Too Good to be True?

Today marks day 6 on Concerta. I am so hesitant to say how I'm feeling because I'm afraid it's too good to be true. There is no way that one single pill (after all that I've tried) could work this well for me. There is no way that this could last...maybe it's just the coffee I've been drinking with it, maybe I will become immune to its effects...and the list goes on. I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I want to blog my journey as it happens, meaning things could change from one day to another; and I'm not assuming that things will stay as I write them here. So there's my disclaimer for a happy post!

I have been feeling great. These pills have given me my joy back. I love being Adelyn's mom for the first time EVER. I am enjoying every second of being with her. I have the energy to do things with her and for her. My guilt somehow is disappearing - I don't worry if I'm doing enough for her, or if she's not developing correctly. I feel more confident in my parenting skills and the love that I'm giving her. I sing to her, I give her kisses and hugs, I laugh with her. I never had this before and I could almost cry as I write this because it's been such a long journey to this point.

The thing that has astounded me the most is that, for the past 6 days, Adelyn has been in an AMAZING mood- sooo hyper and fun to be around. Coincidence? She has never had such a long string of days in a good mood (I keep track of her moods along with my own). It is so amazing how she is affected by my mood, I didn't even realize it. I mean, she must be, considering that she's done such a turn around in the last week or so...or it could very well be my outlook on the situation that has changed things - maybe her mood hasn't changed at all. An interesting thought I guess. Whatever it is, I'm loving it!

Unfortunately there is a downside to all this happiness. I went against my doctor's orders and took more medication than was prescribed. Bad, I know. In my defense, I didn't take anything dangerous and I took only what she would have prescribed me this week anyway. I wanted to make the most of my appointment this week by letting her know what did and didn't work. She prescribed 36 mg and I took 54 mg. I still want more, which scares me a little. I know this stuff is addictive and I have to be careful. I would like for her to leave me at 72 mg but I don't know if she will prescribe that now that I have taken more than she wanted. It's hard because it makes me feel so good, so I just want more and more of this feeling and more and more of the drug. Hopefully she will prescribe what is right for me, and will keep me feeling good without overdoing it.

So here I sit now waiting for Angela- my student who is moving in today. She will be around for two weeks and then she's in school full -time (like very full time schedule!). I don't know how I feel about that...I was hoping she'd be around more and could provide me with some companionship, but it looks as though I'm on my own again :( I guess I will just have to wait it out and see how the first semester goes and how I adjust(and how she adjusts).

So life is good today. I want to enjoy every minute that I feel well because I know how fleeting those moments can be. I would like for there to be nothing but positive posts from here on out, but I can't be certain of anything. I'm grasping at hope that this is the drug for me and that it will have long-term benefits, not just a short term "high". I will update after my doctor's appointment to let everyone know where I stand on the drug issue. Wish me luck!