One Extreme to the Other

So I had my doctor's appointment today. I was dreading the appointment because I have been taking more than the prescribed amount of Concerta (I felt so good and wanted more). My mental health worker had told my doctor this yesterday, so I knew she knew what was going on.

She didn't yell at my which was amazing. However, she wanted to reduce my dose. She said I was high. Seriously? You have me the medication as an "upper" and now you say I'm too high?? I was pretty confused. I begged her not to reduce me to 36 mg (I was taking 54 mg). I told her that I was still drinking several cups of coffee per day in order to make my "high" last. She said that it came down to the pills, or the coffee. I wasn't allowed to have both. I really didn't want to give up the meds, so I agreed to stop the coffee. I'm honestly not sure I can though. I NEED to have my one cup (at least) per day in order to give me that "kick start".

Dr. Asti said she is still mindful of the fact that the specialist from Hamilton thinks I have bi-polar disorder. She doesn't want anything to make me too high in case I end up going manic. I told her that I WANTED to be manic and I didn't care if the pills were doing that to me. She said ethically she couldn't prescribe me something that knowingly made me high. I understand her position, but now I'm sort of stuck...I can't be too happy around her in case she thinks I'm overly high, and I can't be too down or else she'll think I'm still depressed. I don't know what to be anymore. She said what I am isn't "me", but I'm not sure she really know what I am like because she has only seen me severely depressed.

I told her that I am me, but "enhanced"...I feel better when I'm on Concerta than what (I can remember) I felt like "normal". She wants me to be realistic about what I expect from the drug, and she doesn't want people to start to expect me to be this new "normal" and forget what the real Amanda is like. Again, I can see where she is coming from, but all I want is to feel better. I want to feel GOOD again, I like the way I feel on Concerta and that feeling is addictive. I'm just chasing that high, chasing that feeling of happiness. I don't care if it's drug-induced, I've spent too much time feeling terrible to give this up now.

So she has agreed to let me stay on 54 mg for (what she prescribed) 90 days. I am to try and cut down on my sleeping pills (I take two) and cut out the caffeine so that I'm getting a realistic view of what the Concerta is doing in my body. Update about whether or not I can stick to that will come later. I figured I will give myself a few days and see where I end up. I will try my best.