Rich Man's Ritalin

So I have something that I've been trying very hard to hide...I'm lazy. I have no motivation to do anything. I've been trying to hide this from everyone, including Greg. I've pretended to be self-motivated and to look like I care about getting things done, but I really don't. I hate it. I want to WANT to do things...not have to drag myself through my days - what a terrible feeling.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and told her how I've been feeling. Very surprisingly she came up with a suggestion that I didn't see coming - Ritalin. Well, Concerta to be exact. That's right, the same medication used to treat children with ADD/ADHD is what she prescribed me. But hey, right now I'm willing to try anything...so I said I would give it a go. She explained to me that Concerta gives you a "kick" and that it's similar to a caffeine high (without the gut rot!). She said it should give me more motivation to do things during the day, and keep my energy level up. Sounds good to me. I start the pill tomorrow and apparently it only takes a few doses before you notice a difference (which is great, unlike your typical anti-depressants).

Unfortunately with this new medication comes time to say goodbye to another...so I'm dropping my Abilify. I still think the Abilify has helped me tremedously, but something had to do. She has warned me that my mood might tank initially so I have to watch out for that. I'm very nervous and even more nervous because a side effect of Concerta is anxiety (great, just what I need...). I guess only time will tell!

The days without Chelsea have been rough...I have no motivation to do anything so I just end up sitting inside all day with a cranky baby. Not fun by anyone's standards. It's hard because I want to go out, but then I don't. And so it goes, back and forth, back and forth. Then the guilt trip starts and it makes me feel even worse. I wish I had a way to just shut it off, but I can't.

Our student, Angela, is moving in in less than a week, so my doctor has encouraged me to hang in there until then - then see how things go with someone else in the house. We'll see if that helps. If not Chelsea might be moving back in on an air mattress in our basement!