Let's Be Honest

Today I went to Hamilton to have my assessments done - memory, depression scale, etc. I found that it was really eye-opening, and forced me to be honest with myself. I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory, and learned quite a few things.

First, my depression is still serious and acute. I still have suicidal thoughts even though they don't hold as much power as before. Deep down I still feel worthless and utterly hopeless that my situation will get better. I don't enjoy things like I used to, and I have thoughts of self-harm on occasion. These things shouldn't seem like a surprise, but they really were. I thought I was doing better. In reality, I'm able to better manage my symptoms, not make them disappear. Maybe this is somewhat of a reason to celebrate? I guess symptom management is better than succumbing to them.

I left feeling really down about myself...but also with a twinge of hope. The nurse told me she has seen miraculous recoveries with ECT. She has seen numerous numerous success stories, and knows that this treatment is both effective and safe. When she talked about that I found myself smiling, which she noticed. She said she hadn't seen a smile like that on my face the whole time she has been seeing me. I smiled because I truly felt as though this might "cure" me. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the ticket that I have been waiting for.

So now I live my life knowing that there might be a light at the end of the ECT tunnel. Maybe my experience will be a positive one, instead of negative like all of the things I have been reading. Maybe I WILL feel better. I still feel down, and am still suffering everyday from the effects of depression, but now I live with a sense of hope, a sense of purpose. If I can just make it to next Tuesday...maybe I will feel better. If I can just make it through a few treatments, maybe I will say goodbye to my depression, something that has been living with me for far too long.

Today I'm feeling encouraged that these thoughts that are plaguing me may soon go away. The thoughts of wanting to cut my arm might disappear. The thoughts of hurting Adelyn will be a distant memory. One can only hope. That is all I have left. I am hanging on to this ECT like a cat to a tree; dangling precariously over a deep ravine.

I appreciate all of your comments, and emails, they mean so much. Please continue to follow my journey through ECT, which starts November 8th. I would LOVE to be a success story that you can tell your friends and family about.