As Good As It Gets?

Talking about ECT with a few people today...I was faced with some hard questions. Mainly, why are you doing this? You'd think this would be a simple answer, but it's strangely complicated. I THINK I'm doing this to get better, but really - what is "better". Do I have the capacity to be better than I am? Is this as good as it gets?

I've said before, I don't know what normalcy is...I don't know what normal mothers experience on a daily basis. Have I reached "normal"? Are my thoughts/feelings/actions the same as every other mother in this world? I've decided to outline my current experience, so as to do a personal audit of my feelings, and to gauge whether or not there is room to grow.

I wake up in the morning to Adelyn talking. My first thoughts? Usually anxiety - how quickly can I get ready? What if she has to pee and I'm ignoring her? What if I'm doing some sort of psychological damage by letting her be lone and awake? I rush through getting ready - I don't take time to do anything special...makeup and hair are the same everyday, and are done as quick as possible. I don't care about my appearance near as much as I used to.

I (finally) am ready - it seems to take forever, but usually only 5-10 minutes. I open Adelyn's door and am greeted by a big smile and an enthusiastic "num num!". This is one of my happier moments, since Adelyn is such a morning person. I feel a little inkling of joy - something that should be commonplace in my life, but is actually quite rare.

I think about how soon Brittany will be up from downstairs. I have mini panic attacks about being alone with Adelyn - a feeling I have mostly gotten used to, but typing this out makes me realize that this is not okay. I feed Adelyn breakfast and I shovel it in as quick as possible, because I'm worried she will refuse to eat anymore. I don't let Adelyn feed herself because I am too anxious about the mess - I can't handle any extra work than the required minimum. Why would I make extra work for myself? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Brittany comes up from downstairs and I feel instant relief - now I can share the load with someone else. I'm no longer solely responsible for this little being. I can almost relax. We have our own breakfast and drink our coffee - one of the more calming experiences of my day. Adelyn plays while watching Disney Junior, and I don't feel guilty. But that is where it ends.

My guilt starts approx one hour after Adelyn wakes up - down to a science, I know. This is when I feel like she shouldn't be allowed to watch anymore TV, but yet I don't know what else to do with her. If Brittany is around I usually keep my guilt at bay by chatting and keeping my mind off of the fact that the TV is on. I start to panic about what to do with Adelyn during the day - I know I need to get out, but I don't feel like it. I know Adelyn needs to socialize, but I don't feel like it. It's not fair to her that we don't go out because of ME, since everything seems to revolve around ME. So I manage to force myself (out of guilt) to go to the Early Years Centre, or gymnastics, or something else.

Once I arrive somewhere, I can't wait to leave...I try to enjoy myself, but I can't. I just think about Adelyn crying, or getting sick of whatever we're doing, and how I'm going to handle that. I'm never in the "here and now" - I'm always living in the worst-case-scenario realm. What a terrible place to be. So, I force myself (again, out of guilt), to stay for at least an hour...I make that my goal. Put up with my urge to flee for an hour. Tick tick tick.

When I leave wherever I was, I feel instant relief, that lasts only momentarily...NOW what am I going to do with her?? I should have stayed longer....I could have put up with it longer. I'm alaways beating myself up. Usually by time this process is over, it's time for lunch...another stress for me. I make Adelyn what I know she will eat, and sometimes that's processed cheese. And then I feel guilty for not feeding her properly. If she refuses food I feel like it's my fault. It's something that I did to her, and that's why she's not eating. Now, I KNOW this is irrational, but I can't shut it off.

After lunch is nap time...the second most relaxing part of my day. Adelyn is a good sleeper so I know I can count on at least an hour "off". I try not to do anything during this time, because it is my only time to myself. So I take advantage of that, but that leads to me not getting anything done around the house. So then I feel guilty - are you getting the pattern??

When I hear Adelyn wake up I usually panic yet again - oh no, she's too early...she won't be in a good mood. Now I have to entertain her for longer, what are we going to do? I know I should take her for a walk but I don't want to go. I know I should read to her, or do something educational but I don't feel like it. I just want to sit on the couch and chat with Brittany, or veg. I have no motivation. Although I love watching Adelyn play and be happy, I don't love playing WITH her. I just like to watch. I relish the times that she plays independently and leaves me alone. But then I feel guilty.

And so the rest of the day goes...supper is another anxiety producing event, mainly because I feel guilty that she doesn't eat vegetables. Some days she doesn't eat anything. I try to shovel food in my face while also feeding her (because I don't want her to feed herself). I rarely truly enjoy my dinners, because I am so focused on her.

After dinner we usually go downstairs and have the TV on in the background. I don't feel AS guilty about this, because I feel like this is an appropriate time to watch TV. I am relatively relaxed because the events of the day are over, and I made it through another day alive. This is followed by bedtime, with which I usually put off because it means actually doing some work. Depression has made me super lazy. I manage to get through her bath routine, and bottle and books...then what I look forward to all day - a bedtime kiss. This kiss means so much to me. It means Adelyn actually loves me - it means I've gotten through another day - it means bedtime is coming and I can relax - it means she knows who mommy is - it means that I have been somewhat of a productive adult - it means so much. I look forward to it all day.

And so I assess my day...I think about all the housework I didn't get done. I try and figure out why I'm so lazy. I try and rationalize my activities of the day - I try to figure out why I let Adelyn watch so much TV. I beat myself black and blue inside. I measure myself up to everyone else...GOOD moms wouldn't let Adelyn be downstairs so much. GOOD moms would have done the laundry and cooked dinner. My comparisons are endless.

So there it is, a day in the life. So tell me, am I normal? I don't believe that I am, but as I said, I could be totally wrong...I really don't know. Is there room for improvement? Could ECT fix my guilt, my self-loathing? Or have I hit my plateau and I should just enjoy where I am at? So many questions that I know may go unanswered.