Land of Uncertainty

I'm in a strange spot these days; I never know what is going to come when I wake up. Each hour is an interesting development, which leads to an equally interesting day. "Interesting" is not necessarily good or bad, it just "is". But I never know what is on its way...am I going to be in a good mood? Bad mood? Am I going to have strange thoughts? Will I want to die? Sounds like peculiar questions but it is what I ask myself every hour of every day.

I have been feeling more stable lately, which is such a blessing. Even still, I live in the land of uncertainty - never knowing if and when my symptoms will rear their ugly heads. I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing if I'm going to relapse yet again. I have gone down this road too many times to count, how do I know this time is for real? How do I know how much of this "life" I have left before it is torn away from me? Questions, questions. That no one can answer (except for God).

So what does "stable" look like for me? Well, I haven't had thoughts of suicide or of hurting Adelyn in a few weeks. This is very important in my recovery. I can also tolerate Adelyn better than before, I have less anxiety surrounding her crying and bad moods. I'm able to get up and get out of the house, instead of wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. This is what stable looks like. Not all that impressive, but, in comparison, it is pretty incredible.

What is my measure for recovery? I was asked this today by my mental health nurse. What does it mean to be well, Amanda? What does that look like? I told her that I want to take care of Adelyn full time; no longer needing a nanny to be with me, and able to function like a "normal" mother. I use normal loosely. Basically that is how I measure success right now- being able to care for Adelyn. It is so frustrating that this comes so easily for most women...I just don't understand it. It's as if I am trying to run with one leg - it just can't be done. And I'm beating myself up over and over again for not being able to run this race. I need to get over that I think. Easier said than done.

On another note, I start my job next week - another area of uncertainty for me. Can I handle it? I have no idea. And I won't know until I get there. I had to go for an occupational health assessment a few days ago, and I had to reveal my medications and hospitalizations. I was so embarrassed, which never happens. I'm just so afraid of being judged before I walk in that door. I don't want anyone at the hospital knowing my history; I don't want to be watched - that's what ruined it for me last time. I'm just praying that this time will actually work, for a few reasons 1) we need the extra money to pay off some bills 2) it is my dream job and 3) because I WANT it to work and can't take the possibility of failure. I will update here after my first shift, to let all of you know how things went.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I enjoyed some time up north with family. Here's to counting our blessings; not just on Thanksgiving, but every day.