I sit here, on my bed, facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life - alone. Greg is at work and I don't know where else to turn. I am torn up about the decision I have to make.
I had my appointment in Hamilton yesterday with Dr. Hasey - he concluded that I either have a) borderline personality disorder or b) bipolar disorder. He also concluded that the best course of treatment for me at this time would be Electroconvulsive Therapy (shock treatments). He explained to me how it would be administered and what the side effects were. He asked me if I would be willing to undergo these treatments, and off the cuff I said "yes". I signed the consent form and now here we are, off and running.
To back it up a little for those of you that don't know much about ECT; it is administered (in my case)on an out-patient basis. You have to arrive at 6:30 am to the hospital, at which point they would start an IV on you. They line you up in the hallway on stretchers, awaiting your treatment. Once in the OR they put you to sleep and give you a muscle relaxant that causes you to stop breathing. They put two electrodes on either temple, and exert an electric current through your brain, causing a seizure that lasts approx. 1 minute. Within a few more minutes you are breathing on your own again, and you wake up from the procedure.
Side effects to this treatment can be severe - including death (although not likely). One of the most important side effects to me, is the memory loss. It is said that you can lose your long term, and your short term memory. I could forget the birth of my daughter, or I could forget what I said 2 minutes ago. I could essentially lose my entire personality, as sometimes ECT "wipes you clean". I could be a zombie, and it could make my depression worse.
Now, these are the worst case scenario - but that's part of my reality if I choose to go through with this treatment. I just started my new job, and doing these treatments means that I might have to resign (I'd say a 50/50 chance). This is a big deal for our family...but so is my depression. I don't know what to do; what's more important. Do I want to continue living like I am, with little enjoyment of anything, but functioning at my job, or do I take the chance of ECT and potentially lose everything I have worked so hard for? I guess on the flip side, I could gain my life back if it works. There is always that possibility too.
I have made my blog public again so that I can get some opinions on this very very difficult decision. I know ultimately it is my family's decision, but input from friends and even strangers, would be most appreciated as well.
What do you think I should do? What would you do if you were me? I'm tired of living this way, and I want to move on with my life. I'm desperate for SOMETHING to work...please Lord, just SOMETHING.
So now here I will sit - on my bed - waiting for someone to tell me something that I need to hear. I will lay down, trying to sleep, but unable to take my mind off this extremely difficult decision. I will pray, asking God to show me the right path. I will toss and turn, toss and turn, toss and turn. This could go on for weeks, possibly months, depending on what I decide. If you're reading this, please know that any input you have (if even just a kind word), would help me immensely right now.
So here I sit...
Amanda, you have such a hard decision to make and I pray that God will give you strength. I would love to tell you what to do or what I would do however, I feel that this is a decision that needs to be made by you with your family's support. Praying that God gives you an answer!!
ReplyDeleteThank-you for your support, I truly do appreciate it.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you make your decision!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your going through this. I don't have any personal experience with depression, but my grandmother has struggled with it her entire life. The last 2 years she was hospitalized several times, we didn't see her smile ever, she couldnt shower or dress some days, and we were terrified we 'lost' our Grammy. In the last month she went to a new, highly regarded doctor, and did ECT along with starting new medication. My grandpa calls her a miracle now because she is smiling, happy, and the funny, spitfire Grammy we hadn't seen in years. She even wore jewelry the other day, which to us meant she was back :) I just wanted to share a story where time, the right meds, good docs, and trying different options paid off. Keep your head up and don't give up. You will figure out what's best for you and your family. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis is an incredibly difficult decision. If i were in your shoes and this meant possibly having my life back then I would seek out this treatment. If I didn't do it and spent the rest of my life in despair I would regret it. It seems like a viable option for you and your doctors seem to have your best interests at heart and they really seem to want to help you. You are lucky to have such an awesome support system and you should definitely lean on them during this time and let them help you in coming to terms with this possible treatment.
ReplyDeleteYou are very inspiring.
Emily and "The Weeknight Gourmet" - thank you both for your thoughtful comments. Emily, thank you so much for sharing that ECT success story, as they are hard to find (on the internet anyways).
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine it's an easy decision for you, and, Im not able to empathize since I haven't been in your shoes, although we have a lot in common:). From my perspective, you have come a long way Amanda, just think where you were months ago, living at hospital, not able to drive, or be alone. You have come so far, you are determined to get better as much as it's up to you...bravo girl.
Now, in my opinion, I see how well you are doing, every day, back to work 2 days a week, that is no small accomplishment!!! I believe that celebrating your success along the way and to embrace and be grateful for the positive, for now, might prove to be powerful!!! I love you, whatever you decide, just remember, Gods opinion is the ONLY one that matters, and he's crazy for you.
Love Kelly
I would get a second opinion, and I would look into other electric-stimulation therapies that may help you. If I remember right, there's an implanted electrode that can help people in your situation.
ReplyDeleteYou may also want to look into anything you can find from Carrie Fisher. I'm pretty sure she's done electroconvulsive therapy as well, and you might be able to gain some insight from her experience.
GL to you. My grandfather had ECT back in the 50s. I'm so glad it's become a better therapy than it was then.
Crap! I just typed a long comment and I think it went away. So I'm trying another one real quick here.
ReplyDeleteMy step-brother is going through electric shock therapy right now for schizophrenia. I believe he has had around 4 treatments so far in his course of 12. It is definitely helping. He is having some short-term memory loss, for instance he'll call me two nights in a row and not remember what we talked about the night before, but he'll tell me that a new show is coming on tv or something. Its hit and miss, it seems.
Our family was super nervous about the treatment because of course we've all seen movies or heard terrible things about electric shock therapy but once we all did our own research, we are all comfortable now.
I wish you all the best! I have been struggling with PPD and read your blog several months ago. If you want to talk more you're welcome to e-mail me at jenrenae02@gmail.com
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI am amazed to see how far you have come. As I read this blog it is evident you are such a strong role model for those who are struggling.
Keep seeking God you will find grace and peace no matter what your decision.
Wishing you all the best at this time Amanda.