This is me - this is what you get. I am a woman struggling with post partum depression. I am a woman struggling with mental illness. I am broken and torn apart. I can't change who I am, so why am I so ashamed of those at work finding out? I had a day today where I had to disclose my condition to a few people at work - and I caught myself being very embarrassed by my illness. Why? Because the stigma follows me wherever I go; people with mental illnesses are not as good as those who are healthy. Those with mental illness are "stupid" and "worthless". Here I am, advocating publicly on the internet about PPD, but yet I can't even talk about it in my workplace.
I am saddened by my weakness. I should know by now that I am who I am, and that is good enough. I am smart, I am good at my job. I love people and I am caring. I am capable of taking care of others, and I am not an invalid. I just wish others would realize the same thing.
At work I really want to be able to visit with people in the in-patient mental health unit during my lunch hour/after work. You cannot believe the hoops that I have to jump through in order to do this.I found myself becoming ashamed for asking to do this, and even now I feel regret over opening this can of worms. Now several people (some higher up) know about my struggle, and I am completely vulnerable. I feel like I opened up my chest to them, and at any time they can reach inside and tear out my heart. I just wanted to be a good person, and "give back", but now I feel silly that I went down this route. All I can hope is that I don't suffer repercussions in my job.
I would like to thank everyone for their kind works on my blog and through email/FB. I appreciate every single comment and opinion. I have been thinking very hard about the shock treatments. I am still scared out of my mind. I got a call today to tell me that my pre-op appointment is next Thursday, and my treatments start on Tuesday, November 8th. So close. I asked the nurse about the possibility of severe memory loss. She said she has never seen anyone with "severe" memory loss. That was a little encouraging. She said I would likely forget phone numbers and names. I am still extremely apprehensive, but I think that I will try a few treatments and then assess my memory and decide whether or not I can continue.
I will make sure to blog my journey through ECT...please continue to comment and follow.
People are always going to judge things that they don't understand. And unless someone deals with mental illness personally or through someone close to them, they can never understand. All we can do is prove the stigma wrong and show people through example that mental illness is not a choice or a weakness. Continue to stay strong and be proud of the fact that you are not only surviving but you are using your experiences to help others. No one should suffer in silence. I'm very proud of you and how you are handling your challenges.
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