The Ebb and Flow

My illness has been a long road of ebbs and flows, ups and downs. I've had many more downs than I can count, but can count the highs on one hand. Going into this Thanksgiving weekend, I am blessed to look back on last year and realize how truly far I've come. Last year at this time I was cutting up my wrists and being shipped to the Welland hospital via ambulance. How truly far I have come.

Now, saying that I have come a long way is definitely bittersweet. I say that because I don't know for a fact that this is "better". I see this as just a high, which will be followed by yet another low. I have a hard time enjoying the ride because I know what happens every time; I crash inevitably. When is this crash going to come? Do I have a few days, a few weeks, a few months? How low will I go? Will I become suicidal again? The questions just made my head and heart ache.

I was told yesterday that living in emotional chaos is indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder. That made me go "hmmm". This has been brought up before (by my doctor) but nothing was ever solidified as a diagnosis. This nurse seems to believe that I have BPD and now she has me thinking about this again. The thought of this is depressing though, because BPD is essentially untreatable with medication. You can treat the symptoms of the disorder (like depression) but you can't treat the disorder itself. That's a scary thought. I am going to see another specialist at the end of the month and I hope that maybe he will have some intelligent insight into what is actually wrong with me.

For a moment I am going to try to enjoy this period of time, however short it may be. I am soaking in Adelyn and her cuteness - I am relishing being able to do things with her that I actually enjoy. I went for a walk today and took a second to breathe in the crisp fall air, and felt joy. I think about my future and I am hopeful; being able to say with some certainty that there is more to life than this. I know that I will not die from this, and that I may even be able to fully live again. I'm grasping at these moments and trying to process them as completely as possible. Someday soon they might be gone, but for now, I am content with being me.