Great Expectations

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I am coming out of the weekend feeling happy that I had a good visit with Adelyn, but I'm also down in the dumps again (to put the depression mildly). Maybe its the weather, but I feel something stronger at work- my emotions are coming to the surface, threatening to drag me back down.

I think part of the reason I've been feeling down (as I've said before) is Facebook. I really hate Facebook right now...I've been good and no longer reading the newsfeed, but I cracked the other day and read it over and it just made me feel worse. I'm just really not over the grieving process- I'm grieving a lot of expectations that I've had for my life. When I look at families that have kids (and are happy) I grieve the loss of the first 10 months of Adelyn's life - spent mostly in and out of the hospital. When I see friends that are expecting, I grieve the fact that Adelyn might just be the only one we can have. When Greg and I pictured starting our family, I had in mind that we would have two kids, and I would be a mother to them, while also working full time. Now, I can barely (almost not at all) be a mother to my baby, and the possibility of returning to work any time soon seems dimmer and dimmer by the day.

I know people will say "but you should be happy to have one healthy child!". And don't get me wrong, I thank God for Adelyn and her health everyday, but I am mourning the death of a dream- my vision of my (near) perfect family is shattered every time I look at someone else who is enjoying something I don't have. I know I shouldn't be jealous, and this is something I'm really trying to work on, but its so hard when I'm sitting here in the hospital and everyone else is at home/work enjoying their lives. I want to think about my daughter and not imagine a life without her. I want to think about her in ways that don't bring pangs of disappointment, fear and pain.

And if you're reading this, I don't want anyone to feel guilty for having the things that they have- don't think that I am wishing that everyone was miserable (for the most part) like me. I am just trying to voice my hurt and try to make people understand a little of what the depression has done to me and my family. I am happy for everyone with healthy families, I'm just dealing with my own hurts right now and don't intend to make anyone feel sorry or guilty.

On a positive note, I had a very nice visit with Adelyn today, and I didn't want to leave after the 2 1/2 hours was up. That means I've had a week of good visits, so I'm hoping that my doctor will up the amount of time I can spend with her for this coming week. I'm a little down also because it's so hard for me to get out of here since I have to rely on rides to and from the hospital :( It's such a pain for everyone, but without it, I don't get to see Adelyn. Hopefully it will work out this week that I can get some visits in.

All the best,
Amanda