An Outsider Looking In

I'm feeling pretty down today(what else is new..).I found it so hard to get out of bed again this morning. Thankfully I had a sketch to do for this afternoon,and we had Group this morning. The topic was "Fake it till you Make it", which I've made reference to on my blog before. It was basically a discussion on what activities we can do in our daily life that keep us going, keep us "normal" as I would say. We talked about doing activities like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, getting ready...talking about how doing these things and "going through the motions" can actually help us sometimes.

Aside from group I saw Dr.Asti this morning and she told me that the results of my latest ECG came back normal (it was abnormal previously), and that she can now try me on another medication to try and help me sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and of course that is further hindering my mood.I'm trying Trazadone tonight...it's a weak antidepressant with great "sleep-inducing properties" as Dr.Asti says. Hopefully it works because for the last almost 2 weeks I haven't been getting a good sleep and I really need that right now.

Now, I have to make a confession...something I've been holding in. I am growing to despise Facebook and am seriously considering a hiatus. I am not pointing anyone out AT ALL, but this is collective thing that has been really bothering me. All my friends (well, a huge portion) either have kids or is pregnant. I am happy for everyone, I really am...but it makes me feel like an outsider looking in when people put up bump pictures, or post about how much fun they are having with their kids/babies. It gets me right in the chest...I think it's a combination of jealousy (yes, I'll admit that), grief, and the depression. It makes me so sad to think about how happy I used to be...especially when I was pregnant. I remember the anticipation and excitement, and cant help but think of what a letdown it truly was for me. I haven't been honestly happy in 9 months and I am so jealous of those that get to enjoy a normal life. It makes me feel like a terrible mother, and even more inadequate. On the flip side, I love the updates and keeping in touch with my friends, so I don't know what to do with FB right now. A definite love-hate relationship.

On a positive note, I get hours out this weekend...4 hours at a time to go out with friends or family. I'm looking forward to seeing Greg and Adelyn and spending some much needed time away from this hospital.