Defective

If there was a factory that made mothers, I would be thrown in the reject pile. There is something seriously wrong with me and I had it.I hate feeling like a defective parent.

I guess you can tell that today didn't go all that well...I was excited to see Adelyn, and interacted with her well, but I just got so overwhelmed after a while and had to go back to the hospital early. I was (and am) so frustrated with myself I can't even tell you. For me, trying to parent is as excruciating and as impossible as sawing off one of your own limbs. Dramatic example, but true. I try SO hard but I feel like for all this pain and suffering, I get nowhere and get nothing. As much as I try to explain this feeling to you, I don't think words could ever convey the true pain that I feel and the struggle that I face with this pain every day. There are days when I can't take the feeling anymore, and this afternoon was one of those times. I was driving myself back to the hospital and all I could think about was how much I wanted to drive myself off the 406. How badly I wanted this all the end - for everyone around me. Thankfully I was able to arrive safely, but those thoughts were extremely difficult to combat tonight.

Even with all this negativity I have one ray of hope: tomorrow. I can hope that seeing Adelyn and Greg tomorrow will go smoothly and that I will be able to tolerate being around Adelyn more easily. Also, my overall mood (besides the suicidal thoughts) is still lifted so I need to hang on to that and put faith in God and His willingness to allow the meds to work for me.

Thank-you for reading and thank God for new and brighter days,
Amanda