Life in the Bubble

It's almost been one week since I checked myself into the psych ward. Today was a typical day except for the fact that I was lucky enough to see Adelyn (Greg brought her here). It was really nice to see her, and we had a great visit, but at the end I was ready for her to go. I hate that I don't cry when she leaves, and I hate that I don't yearn for her like I think a real mother should. Most often times I feel very ambivalent about the whole sitiation...uncaring. I WANT to get better but sometimes I just shut everything down and find that I lose the ability to care about anything.

I spend a lot of time with my own head these days, and I wish that it would help me figure things out. I'm very anxious because I feel like I won't know when I am better - I have no idea what "well" feels like and that scares the crap out of me. How will I know when I'm ready to go home? How will I TRULY know? Every other time I have thought that I was fine, just to end up right back here again. I no longer trust myself or my thoughts.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am undergoing a pretty big medication switch. So far, I haven't experienced any severe withdrawal effects except for some hot flashes and agitation. My agitation includes the "bad" thoughts that keep re-surfacing. I picture people being killed, I see people hanging, I imagine gouging someone's eyes out. I SEE these things, not desire to do them - very complex to explain, just like everything else! I am assured though, that an increase in my symptoms is very common and that I shouldn't worry because I am in the right place.

So, there you have it - my somewhat short and sweet update for the day. I don't know how many updates I will be able to do since internet access is very limited in here, but I will do my best.