So I feel like all my struggles have brought me to this point. I have some very difficult decisions to make and I don't know which way to turn. Currently, I am seriously considering going into the hospital (again) to try and figure out my medications, and to be put on the list to receive electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
I'm not sure how others view this, but it is no easy decision for me to voluntarily go into the hospital, especially considering that this stay will be at least 4 weeks, possibly up to a few months. To me, that's like voluntarily putting yourself in prison - who would do that? If I could have a guarantee (insert sarcastic laugh here) that this would fix me, I would be all for it - but how many times have I been hospitalized just to leave and end up right back where I was? How many times have they changed my medications just to have them crap out on me? How do I know that this time will be any different? I don't, and that's what scares me.
I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but my prolactin level is double what it should be...this means that I still don't have my period (I stopped breast feeding with Adelyn was 7 weeks old) and my hormones are all mixed up. Risperidone, my one antipsychotic, causes prolactin levels to rise and reach unhealthy levels. High prolactin can actually CAUSE depression and mood swings (think horrible PMS). It is my belief that in order to get better, I need to come off this medication...so this is where the hospital stay comes back into play - I can't do this at home for the risk that I go into withdrawals, or have a psychotic episode/breakdown. So this is another factor that is weighing on my decision to hospitalize myself before I go through this change.
Other factors are that in order to receive ECT, I need to have a consultation in Hamilton, and it is preferrable that one be hospitalized during treatments for some of the same reasons listed above. It is not known how I will react to the treatments, and your memory can be impaired for about 8 weeks following treatment (so they like to monitor your functioning post treatment). There is a 90% success rate with ECT, compared to a 70% success rate with medications....this gives me another 20% of hope that I could actually improve, if not get better entirely. Those odds are good and I'm not sure I can pass them up at this point.
So what do I do? I feel sort of stupid arranging my own hospital stay, but I know that it's being proactive instead of reactive, like when I am in crisis. If I have learned anything, it's that being in crisis and going into the hospital is SO incredibly hard on myself and my family and I don't want to keep putting people through that. It's time to do something ahead of time, something that recognizes that I'm still at risk of crisis and I need help NOW before something has the chance to surface. At the same time, during my few moments that I feel well, I feel like it's silly for me to be going through all this, that I am fine and am functioning like a normal person. I think everyone can agree that that's not true, that I do need the help and that something's got to give before I hit rock bottom again - because we all know it's coming, it always does.
I have a lot of fears about going into hospital...my lack of freedom (they don't even let you have ear phones anym0re), my lack of control over my own family, the loneliness. I will have to put my faith and trust into a nanny that I barely know to take care of my daughter full time while I get treatment...that is so incredibly hard to do. I have to sit back and watch my life pass by me as I sit behind the doors of the Norris Wing, praying that something will click and that I will find myself again. I have to be alone for 23 hours a day, hoping that I'll get lucky and someone will come and visit me and take up an hour of my monotonous day. Being in the hospital is so lonely, I can't even describe it. Especially when you have a baby at home that you miss dearly - it physically hurts to be in there most of the time.
I have been up at night thinking about this...thinking and thinking and thinking. What's best for my family? Can I do this? Will I wimp out and leave hospital early like every other time? Can my family do this again? On and on it goes, making me feel even more crazy than before. Please pray for me that I can make the right decision for my family - that I will have confidence in myself that I CAN do what I have to do to get better. Thank-you again to all my supporters, your love is felt everyday and I couldn't do it without you.
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteMy first thought would be, what do the people in your life that matter to you the most think is best for you and your family???
If you aren't always in your right mind, like you've explained, checking into the hospital and out again etc... perhaps, your family, especially Greg, needs to help with this HUGE decision? I know when I bounce things off Craig alot, he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear, but, he is honest and I trust him.
Love Kelly
These are hard decisions that no one ever wishes to have to make. Only you know what is best for you. I believe you CAN do this. You have a strong will to get better and the fact that you are thinking through this decision is a good sign. I pray you can have confidence in yourself to make the right decision (and no matter what decision you choose it WILL be right). We are all here for you.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a hard decision. Perhaps this is a bit corny - I do this for all tough decisions I have to make - but maybe you should make a pros/cons list for going into the hospital and receiving this treatment. Perhaps Greg and other family members and friends can help you think up reasons in both the pros/cons category. If anything it will help to organize your thoughts on the matter, and help you recognize if this is something you should do now, or at a later time (or not at all).
You are strong. You can do this.