Round and Round we Go

I have been hospitalized since Monday February 7th, and wrote this entry on Feb. 10th while sitting in my room...(Graphic)

Sitting here, staring at the beige walls. How did I end up here again? How could I do this to my family again? No one really knows what happened; I seemed like I was doing OK, like I was managing fine, then BOOM, out of the blue we hop back onto this rollercoaster and just like those loops, around and around we go.

I started feeling a little overwhelmed on Saturday - so I should have seen this coming (but I guess I haven't learned yet). By Sunday I was weepy and sad...couldn't shake it. Monday morning Mary (a lady from church) came to spend the morning with me while Kris was at school. The second Mary came in I said "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well today" and I started to cry and couldn't stop. Mary was able to sort of talk me down and to keep me occupied with knitting (I'm knitting a scarf for Adelyn - Mary made the hat). Thankfully, keeping my hand busy with knitting also occupied my mind and I felt better.

Around noon I fed Adelyn and sat back down with Mary. I told her that I was going to go to my neighbour's house until Kris got home (I felt like she wanted to leave, and that I would be fine alone). This is the part I regret; I didn't intend on leaving and I feel terrible for lying to Mary. However, in my defense, I was allowed to be alone with Adelyn up to 2 hours a day, so I wasn't breaking the rules.

Mary left and I sat there watching Adelyn play in the living room. People say I planned this, but I wish they knew different...something just snapped. "You're a terrible mother", "you're never going to get better" "you deserve to be in pain" "Adelyn knows you're a bad mother". On and on the thoughts went through my mind. More and more I couldn't get the images out of my head - images of cutting up my arm, horrible images of Adelyn being cut. I wanted the knives. I made the stupid decision to go into the kitchen, closer to the knives that I was "craving". I thought that I could cut myself, just once, and that I would feel better.

I picked up the steak knife and wondered how brave I was, how much pain I could endure, how much blood I could draw. I drug the knife through my skin. Blood pooled to the surface but it wasn't good enough. Now that I had started I had to keep going. I willed myself to stop but couldn't - it was like a runaway train by this point. Cut after cut I felt better, euphoric. Look how strong I was. I knew it was wrong, but at the same time I couldn't do anything to make it right.

I stood in the kitchen, my arm bleeding from about 20 small cuts, while Adelyn continued to play in the living room. That's what pains me the most - that this innocent child has to be involved in such a tragic circumstance. It kills me. I love her so much but yet I can't stop this, I can't fix myself.

I damaged a lot more than my arm that day - I damaged some valued relationships because it was thought that I lied to Mary on purpose just so that I could cut. Like I said before, I wish that these people knew better how it felt to be inside my head, how it felt to be out of control. I regret everything that happened on Monday because I lost a lot of trust from the people that I love (which I might never get back, at least not for a long time). I wish I knew how to "be better".

After the cutting it was a bit of a whirlwind, but long story short, it ended me back up here. Norris Wing. I hate myself for allowing this to happen to me over and over. The cycle never seems to end.

They've upped my meds again - doubled my Abilify to see if that will work. It seems as though my medications work for about a month, then I end up back here in the hospital. I'm trying to be hopeful though, that this adjustment will really do the trick.