Not That Mom

Hey everyone, here is my first check-in from Norris. I have been in here for 5 days now and holding on strong.

Just to get everyone up to speed - Dr. Asti has been changing around my medications and has taken me off (cold turkey) risperidone (antipsychotic) and cipralex (antidepressant). So far I haven't noticed any terrible withdrawals - only a few hot flashes today when she stopped the cipralex and started the Pristiq. Pristiq is my newest weapon - it is a new and "improved" version of Effexor (some of you may have heard of it). This is an SNRI as opposed to an SSRI and works on different chemicals in the brain. I am praying hard that this combo is what will click with my damaged brain.

On top of changing medications I have also been trying work work on myself in other ways as well. I had a great sit down with the social worker yesterday and it helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Mainly, it was nice to talk to her because she told me she hated the baby phase. Now, how could that help me? She was trying to show me that I wasn't alone and that just possibly, the depression itself is being compounded by the fact that I just really am not cut out for this phase of my child's life. I'm not "that" mom. I'm not the type of mom that can sit around all day and play developmental games with their child - I'm not the make-your-own-baby-food-from-scratch type of mom. I'm just not that person, and I'm learning to deal with that. Now, I know there are people reading this that might be different from me, and that's totally fine - I respect everyone for how they choose to parent, I just have to learn to start accepting myself and not comparing with all the other moms out there.

The social worker also talked to me about focusing on ME, and not so much about the "mom" me. She talked about going to depression support groups (not PPD related), and going for counselling for just myself. I appreciated the fact that she recognized that I am still a person here, that I'm not just a mom who needs fixing. It's time that people stop pressuring me to fit into this mommy mold and let me be who I want and need to be. Jen (the SW) gave me some of my power back, and that is worth so much to me.

Lastly, I have been blessed to have met some wonderful people in here so far. God has blessed me with an awesome roommate with whom I can be comfortable with, and has also been good enough to bring Tiffany into my life here in Norris. Tiffany, I know you're reading this and I wanted to thank you for listening to me, and for being a great friend, even though I have only known you for a short time. Meeting people like you makes all this struggling worth it.

I will still be here for probably another 3 or 4 weeks...waiting for medications to kick in. I can be reached by text message at (905) 327-5985 in case anyone needs to get a hold of me. I would very much welcome visitors, so please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd be willing to drop by. Thank-you for your continued prayers, they are felt everyday.