A Scattered Mind

There may be no direction to this post, be fair-warned. I have been so incredibly random lately, and I don't know if I am going hypo-manic (slightly more excitable. etc than normal, but not full manic), or if I am just actually this scattered in my brain. Hypomania is not a good thing because that means that I will have to reduce my Concerta, which I'm not really interested in doing...it WORKS and it's nice to have some energy for once.

Speaking of the Concerta, I need to talk to my doctor about that. She thinks I am taking 36 mg, but I am actually taking 54 mg. I'm afraid to tell her because I don't want her to yell at me :( I feel like a bad kid who is doing something terribly wrong. Realistically, this small change doesn't do THAT much to me, and I don't think 54 mg's is that detrimental. But still, I need to tell her. That might possibly may be the reason why I feel slightly "high".

So I started my Master's program last week. Now I am dropping out. Done. I realized that this is not what I want to do, and this is not my forte AT ALL. I was drowning in material that I didn't recognize at all - it was all theories of learning and stuff that I have never ever covered. Now I am going back to Brock for my Honour's degree in Therapeutic Recreation. From there, (I have 3 credits left)I would like to apply to do my Master's at Brock (the traditional way). I feel good about this decision - recreation is where my heart is, and I think sticking with what I know is the best solution. I really want to further my education, but I can't do anything (at Brock), until I have my Honour's, so that is Step Number 1.

I am still waiting for the results of my job interview...I emailed them Friday and received an email back stating that they had not yet filled the position, and that she would be in contact with me shortly. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows. I'm SO incredibly tired of deconstructing my interview in my brain...I just want to know whether or not I got it so I can move on. I still don't eve know if I could handle it, so whatever happens is fine by me.

Lately I have been feeling so lost...like I am not good at anything, can't find my identity in anything. I can't work (so far), I can't be a good mom, I can't be a good housewife, I can't be a good student...what can I do?? I think this has contributed to me feeling so scattered...I'm just grasping for anything that I think I might find some worth in. I want a job because then I would be WORTH something - I would be productive. I just want to do something that matters, but I don't feel like being a mom matters right now. I feel like Adelyn could care less about who is around her, and is actually happier with others than she is with me. I just feel very defeated right now. I'm hoping that something will give me some purpose.

I spoked at a pre-natal class today for the first time, and for the first time in a long time, I felt really good. I felt like I connected with those men/women and made an impact on them. I think maybe focusing on PPD awareness is a good thing for me to do right now, maybe an avenue to find my purpose amongst all this tragedy.

So there is a pretty good sum of my life right now...all over the place. I could have written more, but I thought this was more user-friendly!