I was an amazing success story; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, how well ECT worked for me. So why do I find myself back on the list for maintenance treatments? Some people might be shocked, thinking I was doing so well, so why again? Well, several reasons.
First of all, Greg thinks (and I totally respect his opinion) that I'm not "better" yet. I still have extreme anxiety, I still get overly irritable with my family...like I said below, these are my "warning signs" that something is brewing. To you, getting a little irritable is associated with a bad day, for me, it is associated with a major depressive episode. Greg has encouraged me to pursue maintenance ECT, in order to further salvage our family. One day, I will have to go without Brittany; one day, it will just be the three of us again. And right now, I don't think I can handle that. Maybe the ECT will help...?
Now, the following might sound crazy (but really, look who it's coming from)...I also want the ECT so that I can (eventually) wean off my meds. I don't want to take all these medications for the rest of my life. Insert second crazy statement here: I might want to get pregnant again one day. And ECT may assist me in being able to create a welcoming environment for the fetus (one that won't poison it with meds). Also, you can get ECT while pregnant, so going on maintenance will keep me "in the system" in the even that I do get pregnant and need more treatments. Additionally, I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of taking meds that make my metabolism as slow as a slug. I want my body back, as vain as that may sound. Coming off the meds would give that back to me.
I feel like I need to comment on the whole pregnancy thing (since there may be more than a few people going "what?!"). I want another child...whether that be through adoption or biologically. I have looked into adoption and came to the conclusion that it is just too expensive (or extensive). Which brought me to realize that doing this the natural way might just be more affordable. But can I afford to go through this again? No. I can't do that to Adelyn, or the new baby. So what am I planning on doing about that? I want to start to wean off my meds sometime in the future, and see how ECT will work on its own. IF the ECT can work in conjunction with fewer meds, at that time I would CONSIDER getting pregnant because I would know that I could continue with the ECT during the pregnancy and afterwards. Sort of like a guarantee on my mental health. But like I said, this is only if things work out like I plan...and, we all know, that things rarely work out like we want them to.
Now for some good news...I have been feeling better these past few days (after the holidays). I figured that things would go back to "normal" after Christmas was over. I've even spent some time alone (shhhhh) with Adelyn and it has gone very well. I feel comfortable with her, although my motivation is lacking in terms of wanting to go out and actually DO things. I mostly feel like staying in and playing with her. Is that odd? Do other mothers feel the same? Do you have days where your motivation goes out the window?
I have another random thought...(thanks to Angie for inspiring this comment) - I watched my sister in law with her 9 week old baby over the holidays. I watched her like a hawk because I found her behaviour so interesting. Her baby is not the most quiet; he has reflux and fusses often. But yet, as he was fussing, she looked at him so lovingly and whispered "I love you" in his ear. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, because I just couldn't understand. How can you love a baby when he cries? Honestly, that's how I feel. How do you have that look in your eye, that shows to everyone that you're head-over-heels for this little person? She has something I have never had, and that makes me sad. Although I know I love Adelyn, I feel like it is conditional still. If she cries and hits me, I feel like I've had enough...I'm done with all this. It doesn't make me ooze love for her - maybe that's weird?
I think watching my sister in law made me realize just how much I've missed out on - Adelyn's entire infancy. I WANT that love that she has - that unconditional, unwavering, love. I want that look to be in MY eye. Maybe that's why I want to have another one...hoping and praying that I might be able to ENJOY my infant son/daughter...to be able to feel that head-over-heels kind of love at first sight. Maybe one day...
I don't think you're crazy for planning ahead. It's smart and it shows how far you've come that you can even think that far. I have had moments of pure joy when I've looked at Matthew with unconditional love. But in those moments where he's crying in the middle of the night I most definitely do NOT have that look of love in my eye. I'm frustrated and angry and it's all I can do to control my anger and not take it out on my innocent son. That look you describe in your sister in law is a rare one. Maybe I've never had that because I'm still struggling with PPD, I don't really know. It's hard for me to judge my own mental well being because I have learned to live my life at a "7" and I battle SAD every fall and winter. From my point of view, your sister in law is the odd one and those of us who can't look at a screaming child with total love in our eyes are the normal ones. But like I said, maybe I'm the odd one. Maybe it IS normal to have that experience. I certainly didn't have it, but look who's talking.
ReplyDeleteWell.. I had a relative looking at her almost 3 month old watching his son like that, I know that look in her eye, I used to be like her. then suddenly my joy was stolen and sometimes I cant even talk to my poor child.... I just pray and continue to beg the Lord, someday he will be annoyed enough to answer my prayer :) (sorry Lord, you have to understand, I am not willing to live like this)... and I pray for you too....
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