I've really been struggling in the past two days. Adelyn has been super cranky (for reasons I can't explain...don't think she's teething), and it's been wearing on me. When Adelyn is being the way she is, it brings back a lot of my symptoms and it scares the crap out of me. Today I thought about slitting my wrists and people finding me dead and Adelyn in a pool of my blood. Horrifying, I know. This is why I get so scared - like it is happening all over again. Like I will never escape the dark thoughts, the hard and trying days.
I know there is nothing I can do to avoid bad days...there ARE going to be tough times. The difference between me and other moms is that they (at least I don't think so) don't think of killing themselves when their child cries. I need to learn how to deal with the bad days without these horrible symptoms. How do I do that? I have no idea. I don't know if it's a medication issue, or if it's something I need to do myself...just will myself not to think those things. As if that works - if I could will myself to do ANYTHING about PPD I would have by now.
I'm afraid to tell people. I'm ashamed that my recovery is being rittled with these bad thoughts. I'm ashamed that my brain operates this way. I don't want to tell FACS because they won't let me have my time with Adelyn - they will freak out and take it all back. I don't want to tell my doctor because then she will tell FACS, and the cycle continues. I don't even want to admit it on here, but I've made a vow to be honest and forthcoming so I thought I should share this stumbling block with you all.
So what do I do now? I think I just finish the day, go to bed, and pray that tomorrow is better. I don't know what else I can do...clearly I can't do what I'm thinking (I know I wouldn't)...and I'm not in "crisis" anymore so people aren't at my beck and call when I need them. Nobody is expecting me to say that I want to kill myself. That's the worst part about this "recovery" process...things appear to be fine therefore everyone thinks it is. Even the people closest to me think things are fine. Most days they are, mind you - but when I have bad days they are BAD days - and some people don't get that. I also want to be allowed to have these days, and not feel like I'm going to be punished for it. I'm going to be forced to lie about how I've been feeling because FACS will act so quickly. I hate it.
And so it goes on, the daily battle...
I'm so sorry hun. I know it must be hard when even you think things are fine, until they're not. We all have bad days, and though we might not all picture ourselves in a pool of blood, I have gotten very frustrated and even yelled and swore at my innocent little child. It's not fair to him, and he doesn't know any better, but sometimes that's just my reality. If it's any consolation, I've noticed that a lot of 1 year olds suddenly get very needy and whiney. It's happening to a lot of my friends right now, so don't feel that you're alone.
ReplyDeleteRecovery always takes a long time. No matter how much you think "i'm better" you will have bad days, but the time in between these days grows larger and larger and eventually your bad days will be your old good days. I think it's fair for your BAD days to be bad days, and you are allowed to have them.
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