I'm in survival mode these days - I feel like everything around me is crumbling. It's even more crushing because I was doing so well. I felt good, felt some semblance of normal. Now my depression comes back to slap me in the face and let me know it's still here, and there's no escaping it.
It's comfortable to think about bad things...it's easy. Easy to think about escaping this life, about a world without pain and without sorrow. Don't people understand? WHY would anyone want to live like this? I don't truly want to die, but I also know that I don't want to live like THIS anymore. I can't live with this uncertainty, with this dread. The days that I watch the time tick by, minute by minute, are the worst. The days that I don't want to do anything, therefore I don't and Adelyn gets even more cranky, are terrible. It's like a viscious cycle over and over....I don't do anything because I'm depressed-Adelyn gets cranky-I get more depressed.
My weekend went OK - I worked on Saturday, which is getting harder...harder to put on the "happy face" and have the energy and drive required to get the job done. I'm constantly afraid that people will see through me. But I got through it...and Sunday went okay, went to church and spent the afternoon at home. So I am managing. However, Public Health was here this morning for the first time, and I told her about thinking about slitting my wrists...well she called FACS right away and they've been trying to reach me today (I was legitimately out this morning) to probably tell me that they're taking away my time alone with Adelyn. What a step backwards. I don't need to be punished, I need understanding. Sometimes I feel so lonely...surrounded by people who think they understand, but really don't.
I went to the doctor today (psychiatrist) and she told me to stop catastrophizing...she thinks that because I had such a bad day on Friday that I'm just letting my mind play tricks on me. And maybe she's right. I should focus on the positives and not the negatives. The stress brings on the thoughts...and I was stressed because I was alone with Adelyn. It's like a knee-jerk response. She told me to take it as a warning, but not to look at it as a relapse...it's just a bad day. So there - that's what I should think. Easier said than done, but I will try...
Hugs hun. It's a slip, but not a fall. You can still catch the railing and pull yourself back up. You can't control wht FACS is going to do, so just focus on what you can do. You can think about the positive things. You can reach out to friends and family for support. You can give your daughter a hug and know that you are doing the best you can, and she loves you!
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