Test, Test, Are Those Pills Working?!

So my work meeting ended with me bawling my eyes out and leaving the office. Not exactly how I had imagined it in my head. It all went wrong.

They started the meeting by asking me how I was feeling...which...duh, of course I'm not feeling "myself" - I just got out of the hospital a week ago! They asked me if I felt that I could do my old job and I honestly answered "I don't know". They reminded me that my old job is 40 -50 hours per week, evenings, weekends, and a lot of responsibility. They told me to be fair to the residents. They told me that they didn't want me to fail. Good intentions, maybe, but I just heard "we don't think you can do this". I just heard "you have no options". I broke down fairly early into the meeting.

Then they tell me they've been holding a job for me - a part time job on Port Colborne. Well, that's nice! you say...yes, it's nice, but it's not my old job. I want my old job back. Could I call them and tell them I want it back? - sure. But I know I can't perform and that's what's got me so down. PPD has taken everything from me, now it's just my job. I'm pissed off at PPD right now - how dare it steal the one thing that made me feel normal?? I was good at my job, and I loved it, so now this is just one more thing that I have to grieve. As if I don't have enough things on THAT list.

I feel like this is a true test to see if my pills are working...to see if I will go down hill. Last night I came home and went straight into bed (at 5pm) because I just wanted to cry and be alone. That lasted 45 mins before I could drag myself out. Today I just want to do the same thing - this is what my depression feels like and it scares the crap out of me. I need something to drag me out of this hole...I can't let myself go down this road again. I'm just so angry and so frustrated at the situation that I can't see a way out right now.

I should be happy that they've saved this part time job for me...I should be thankful, so why can't I be? No matter how hard I try I just feel depressed about the whole thing. I hope that as the days pass maybe it will get easier - it better get easier because whether I like it or not, I have a job to do.