I've been doing some reflecting lately as to why I write this blog. Of course I do it to update all of you who have so graciously supported me through my journey, but there's more to it than that. I do it to provide awareness of PPD and to make others out there like me to feel less alone. I want everyone reading this, who has PPD/PPA/OCD, etc, etc. to feel, in some way, that they are supported and that they are not the only ones out there that feel the way they do.
In an effort to make us feel less isolated I would like to ask all those who are reading this blog that are suffering (or have suffered) to comment below and add a comment of support (or a quote if you can't think of anything). Help all of us to feel connected, not to mention this would help me out a lot too. We are not fighting this battle alone; there are millions of women who have had the same thoughts and struggles that we have, let's show eachother that this is true. I thank all of you in advance for your comments - I know you're out there!
Aside from my rally for support I thought I would also post my update as to how my "home coming" went. Well, it has been a little bit of a bumpy road, but I am still here. I broke the rules a little when I took Adelyn out for a walk by myself (I'm supposed to be accompanied at all times), and she cried for about 15 mins straight...almost the whole way back to the house. My brain couldn't handle it and the thoughts started coming back. Just like the doctor said to me, the bad thoughts are triggered by stress and are part of my OCD tendencies. It is unfortunate that I put myself in that situation, but I'm happy to say that at least I lived through it without doing anything stupid. It's not as if I think that I WILL do anything, it's just the thoughts that go through my head that make my agitated. To elaborate, yesterday I had thoughts of parking her stroller in the ditch and leaving her there while I walked home. Awful, I know, but I'm just being honest about what's going through my head. Would I ever do that? I highly doubt it, but again these thoughts just run through my head like a bad movie, over and over again. I have to try harder not to put myself in those types of situations.
Other than that one incident, my home coming is going pretty well. I've been able to care for Adelyn, however, it is a lot different than knowing I'm going back to the hospital. It's as if someone has ripped away my safety net and I'm walking a tight rope 100 feet in the air. Anything can tip me over the edge - that's how I feel. I'm working hard at focusing my mind on the positive things I've done, and accomplished in the time that I had passes from the hospital - to prove to myself that I can do it, because I HAVE done it. It continues to be an uphill battle everyday.
In other news, I have a meeting with my boss on Friday. This is a big deal because it will determine whether or not I have a job to return to. Short of begging for my position back, I'm going to request fewer hours (say, 35 instead of 40) and see where that negotiation takes me. I don't think I can handle full time hours right now, but I don't know if they are willing to allow my position to be re-structured like that. This is a really big thing for me and I pray that whatever happens, is meant to happen.
So there is my update...the good the bad and the ugly. Again, I write this blog with blunt honesty because I feel like it will help someone out there - I don't want to hide my feelings because too many women with PPD feel like they have to hide. Please take my honesty and be inspired to comment here, and wear your PPD badge proudly. You are all amazingly strong women, and this post is for you.
Amanda
"This too shall pass"
ReplyDeletethe quote above is what helped me through the past year when I felt very depressed. I am continually inspired by your posts! You're doing great Amanda, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteReading everything you have written has helped me feel not as alone as I used too. I'm in a similiar situation because I have ppd, PTSD, and major depression and it's been 5.5 weeks since my first episode and I'm in the hospital. You give me hope.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time. That's what gets me through this.
Natasha, I am so sorry to hear that you are in the hospital - clearly I know how that feels. Hang in there, and celebrate your small victories.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteI've been suffering from PPA for about 6 months (and have a little boy who is 10 months.) Reading your blog gives me so much insight into my own feelings and struggles. The different things you talk about I can truly identify with and it really helps to understand myself more and what other women with PPA/PPD go through. But you are totally right, all we can do is keep focusing on the positives and celebrate them. I hope things keep getting better for you!
-Rachel
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI have SAD and probably should have been treated for PPD this winter. I was doing ok, but not having sleep in the last 4 months has really done a number on me. You make me so proud to "know" you. I wish you all the hope and happiness in the world.
The one saying that always gets me though is "this too shall pass". It has become a mantra in my life that has gotten me through some rough times.
I struggled with severe ppd after Alexander. Luckily, never had to be hospitalized, but at times probably could have been. Reading your posts at times is hard because it brings back very uncomfortable memories. But today I can say that I have over come it, and am med free. There are still some anxious days here and there, but any mom has those. I think about you lots Amanda, and hope that one day you can experience that complete healing. Just a side note. I know that I did not suffer to the same extreme, but going back to work helped me a lot. That was def some therapy for me. Thinking bout you lots!
ReplyDeleteI guess in comparison, my case was mild but to me it felt devastating none the less. I was never diagnosed and wasnt on meds, although in retropect, I should have sought more help. My baby was colicky and an AWFUL sleeper, and I honestly feel that extreme exhaustion added to my emotional roller coaster. Sleep deprivation is a method of war torture for a reson! lol. For the first three motnhs I cried constantly, mood swings, lots of resentment towards my baby and feelings of utter hopelessness; that I would never feel better, that he would never sleep . . . I felt so unresilient. Like if I could just catch up on sleep I could funtion normally, have more patience, be mor ein control. The hardest part of it all was also the stress is put on my relationship with my partner. Everyday he had no idea which me he would be coming home to, the loving, maternal me or the pantless, sobbing mess me. lol.
ReplyDeleteYou sharing your story helped me open up to my family and friends and realize that my feelings and experience was nothing to be ashamed of, and in fact, quite a normal experience of motherhood. It gave me permission to lable what I was feeling and in turn, get help.
I would also use "this too shall pass" as a middle of the night, calming mantra. I also love Leonard Cohen and would read this line from Anthem:
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
because that to me summed up my experience of motherhood. It isnt perfect, but it wasnt meant to be and sometimes you have to see the ugly in things in order to see the beauty.
Hello! I am Shan, mama to a 10mo little boy named Owen and have PPD. I've had people say that I'm not trying hard enough to get better...people lambaste me for not breastfeeding (even at 10months!) and people be absolute asses because they simply do not understand what it is like.
ReplyDeleteSurround yourself with a chosen support system of people who legitimately CARE for you and your mental health; people who CARE about your role as a mom; people who CARE to see you be well.
Share with others...don't hide from what you are going through - be honest and real, and give yourself a chance to heal.