One Step Forward...

...and (0) steps back?? That's what I'm praying for as I leave the hospital tomorrow morning. Realistic or not, that's all I can hope for right now.

I talked to my doctor this morning and told her how good my time out had gone (I hadn't seen her since last Tuesday since I've been out and about!)...then I asked the big question, "can I go home..?" Surprisingly she agreed! She feels that I am doing well enough to go home with help (I have the nanny). She did warn me that any anxiety could bring on some of my symptoms like suicidal ideation and thoughts of harming Adelyn. She told me this just so that I will be aware of my limits, and recognize when it has been too much for me to handle. So, with her blessing, I will leave tomorrow.

And how do I feel about this? Scared out of my mind would just about sum it up. I am SO afraid of this not working - the anxiety overwhelms me. Because of that, you won't see me jumping for joy for being let out. I'm very very cautious because of all the failures I've had in the past. I feel that I have come a long way, but being without the safety net of the hospital is very scary to put it mildly.

So what is my plan? Well, I have Chelsea here full-time (Mon - Fri), and on weekends my wonderful in-laws take Adelyn. I'm going to be on about 2 months of 24 hour supervision (as ordered by Family and Children's Services), which I guess is good, but can be annoying at the same time. I plan on trying my hardest to use the help that I have, and to speak up when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm very bad at doing this. I tend to push and push until I break. If I've learned anything over the past 8 weeks it should be how to recognize my breaking point. We'll see how good I am at that in the next few days and weeks.

Another reason I know I'm getting better - my thoughts fight back. What does that mean?, you say...well, when I went into the hopsital I would think things like "I want to kill myself" and my thoughts' response would be "ya, life is not worth living, I want to die". Now, my thoughts will be more like "no, this is not what I want for myself, I want to be here for my family". I see a purpose in living again. I love my family (more than my own life), and I can no longer stand the thought of leaving them. THAT'S truly how you know you're getting better. Am I perfect? No. Am I "cured"? Heck no. I find that there's a whole spectrum of PPD out there - from mild blues to the depths of despair. I'm not as "mild" as the mild blues, but I'm out of the dark pit that I've spent so many weeks and months in. My medications are stablilized, and I think, thanks to the lithium, so are my emotions.

So there it is, I'm taking the next step and, although exciting, I do it with trepidation. I have to guard myself and warn my family - this illness has not retreated yet, I'm still sick - just not as sick as I was. I need to expect some form of relapse, and expect my thoughts to turn dark every so often. I don't know anything else - I've spent the last (almost) 11 months in a dark cloud so thick I couldn't see my way out. Slowly I'm seeing the light, but I have a lot of dense fog still in the way. I appreciate all the continuing support as I make this next step.

Thank-you.