There She Swings...

Although it may have been obvious by most readers by now (or not so much?), my moods change like the breeze. This is all part and parcel of my PPD (or bipolar, depending on who you ask). For instance, today I have had the whole range of emotions - from happy and elated, to down in the dumps. I'm on three, count them, three - mood stabilizers so you'd think that that would help some.

I did have some really good moments this morning, when I took Adelyn to the park on our own. I'm at my in-laws today and they have a nice park just up the street. I walked with her and played with her on the swings and slide. It was nice just to be the two of us. When I was walking back I caught myself thinking "man, I can't WAIT until she can walk/run and I can take her to the park and she can play". But then I said to myself "how do you know that you'll HAVE a tomorrow with her?" That really made me think. I have no idea that both of us are going to be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next after that. How dare I dream of tomorrow and I don't even know that there will be one? That really hit me and I'm trying my best to bring myself back to reality anytime my mind goes to that place - which I'll admit, is often.

Then the other extreme - my depression comes back when I push myself, and this weekend is a big push. I am spending the night and day tomorrow alone with Greg and Adelyn...yes, I did an overnight before, but Chelsea was here with me the entire time, so I had more help if needed. I am SO anxious about going home it's hard to put into words. I'm anxious that I will feel depressed - I am so scared of that feelings. Once you've had it, trust me, you never want it again. I'm trying to run so far away from that feeling that I am terrified of it catching up with me. I don't know how I will handle it if I feel depressed - everyone is expecting that I'm getting better, not worse. I don't know if I could handle a relapse at this point; I just want so badly to prove that I am getting well, and that I can do this.

Greg has not gotten back to his parents yet, but when he does we will pack up Adelyn and we will be on our own. I actually want to cry just thinking about it - and not even just in sadness, but also in joy. Joy that I have come to this place, joy that God has allowed me at least some healing. But as the clock ticks away, closer to that time when I have to leave, I feel the joy slipping away. I pray that I will be able to manage at home and that that will further boost my confidence. Right now I feel like someone has punched me hard in the chest and throat - the anxiety manifesting in physical pain. I need to tell myself I can do this, I need to have faith that it will be okay - it will be okay.