Try Honesty

I've said this phrase before - "fake it till you make it". That's what I've been told by others who have struggled with PPD. My question is, how do you know when you're not faking it anymore? My doctor and nurses keep telling me to be honest with myself, but how can I when I don't trust my feelings? Things have gone well this past two nights...but how do I know that I'm ready (or not) to be home? So many questions and no answers.

I know what "faking" it means - but don't know what "making" it looks like. Faking it means getting up out of bed even when you want to pull the covers over your head and never come out - it means going through the motions while your brain is spinning and thinking "how can I get out of here?!". Faking it means looking at your daughter and wanting to feel something for her, but it just doesn't come. There's nothing there.

Yes, I know faking it well, however, I feel like in these past few weeks I have really made some strides towards making it. Right now, making it looks like not having anxiety every time Adelyn is awake; not wanting to cry everytime she makes a wimper; having the strength to take care of her for an entire day. Even though I have made a lot of positive steps, I'm so afraid that I won't know when I'm ready to go home. I dont' trust my feelings as far as I can throw them (and clearly, you can't throw feelings!). I've trusted myself before, and it has ended up with me slicing up my arm, or overdosing on pills. So how do I know what honesty looks and feels like??

I'm petrified that I will go back to the hospital, and tell them that my pass went well...then we'll talk about dishcarge...then before I know it, after 8 long weeks, I will be on my way home. But on my way home to what? Just to deal with the same crap over and over and over again? How do I know that I won't end up back in the hospital again? I don't. And that's what scares the crap out of me. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed this time, I will lose my family, or lose myself. There's so much at stake this time that it makes me physically ill thinking about it.

So what do I do now? I hang on. I just keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour. I take my small triumphs and focus on the positives. That's all I can do, because, like I said, thinking about the alternative makes me sick. I also keep praying - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now. I praise God for the strength He has given me, and I hope to (one day) praise Him for my recovery from this terrible illness. Everybody keeps telling me that it is coming, and I feel that that is true - I just don't know when, and for someone with OCD that is not comforting at all.

So, cutting through all the emotional mess, this pass has gone quite well. I've enjoyed my time at home, and it will be very hard to return to the hospital tonight. I have spent some time baking, taking Adelyn for walks, and playing outside. Yesterday we spent almost 2 hours outside on the porch, it was glorious! A good pick-me-up for sure. I have been less anxious, however, I am still unable to really stay at home with Adelyn all day (I am literally afraid to do this). That is something I am working on, and hoping to do today. I don't know why it scares me so much, it just does. I want to be able to stay at home with her without the fear (mostly fear of how to keep her busy). Yet another thing I need to work on.

Here are some pictures of our time outside :)




And something we picked up on our walk "downtown" - some much-needed organizers for Adelyn's toy stash!



So, the next step is to go back to the hospital tonight, then I have day passes for Saturday and Sunday. Monday I see the doctor and talk to her about how my passes went - and talk about discharge. I really need to do some soul-searching and try being honest with myself about how I feel and if I'm really ready to go home. Please pray that I will find some clarity in this situation and I will know when it is time - the right time for me, and not because I am pressured by anyone else. Thank-you for your continuing concern and comments, I appreciate everything more than you know :)

Happy Weekend,
Amanda