Dare to Compare

I have had it with comparing babies. Just had it. I'm tired of looking at other babies and thinking "why can't Adelyn do that" "Adelyn doesn't even attempt to do that". I've come to the realization that she's going to be slow to develop certain skills and that's it. Her daddy didn't walk until late into his first year, so she may just be genetically programmed to develop at that rate. I was thinking that slow development = slow intellectually, but I know now that that's not the case. I have been asking a lot of people and I've met some extremely smart people that had a slow start, and vice versa. I just can't even tell you how exhausting it is so compare and worry all the time!

I also worry disproportionally because I read in a few places that children of mom's who have PPD develop slower than average, and I believe that. It makes sense because Adelyn has missed out on her "normal" mom since she was born - I wasn't making the right facial expressions to her because I was sad all the time, and she was passed from person to person on a daily, almost hourly basis sometimes. Now, I think this lifestyle has produced a very social child for me, but as a result I think she is slower in other areas...I don't read to her, I don't stimulate her as much as maybe the average mother would.

But you know what? I'm rebelling against this now. Screw comparing children. Every child develops at their own rate, and mine just happens to be slow. So what? I need to make a conscious effort to not let my brain go there - which is difficult to do when I know so many babies. One of the therapists told me this morning; smart parents don't make stupid children. Greg and I are both (I would like to think) smart, so Adelyn can't be THAT disadvantaged. I need to remember that.

So other than my rant, things are going pretty well. I did the overnight on the weekend with Greg and Adelyn home alone and it worked out! I took Adelyn to the park, and for a few walks. It was nice. Right now my biggest challenge is my anxiety...I can't just sit there while she is playing, but I also don't know WHAT to do. It's like a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I get so worked up that I'm bordering on a panic attack. Not a nice feeling at all. My doctor has prescribed Clonazepam for anxiety, but it makes you drowsy (and that's not good when taking care of a baby). I'm thankful that the depression is about 80% better, but it's just this darn anxiety that I can't shake...and if I'm not careful, it could lead me back down the depression road. I'm doing my best to combine medication which mental exercises to counteract the anxiety.

I have a two-night overnight tomorrow and Thursday, so that's a big deal. This is something that Family and Children's Services asked for before I am discharged from the hospital. I'm praying that it goes well and that maybe, just maybe, I can go home next week.