I better have PMS...or else I'm in trouble. I have been so weepy and emotional the past few days, I can't even take it. I feel like I'm sliding back down hill, inch by inch. I'm going back down that black hole that I can't see myself out of. How can someone not think about suicide when this is all there is to life? I just want to be normal, and I cry as I write this because it hurts me so bad. Normal...just want to be normal. A normal mother. A normal woman. A normal person with a normal brain. My heart aches to feel normalcy again - just a shred of it pretty pretty please.
As I write the keys are slipping because of my tears. I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't live like this. I can't put my family through this over and over again. We've been through enough pain, enough heartache. I have a little girl that needs her mommy, but mommy is lost. She doesn't even really know her mommy because mommy has been missing her entire life. She knows a shell of her real mommy. And I feel so sorry for her. She's missing out on a great person that is buried somewhere deep inside the depths of postpartum depression. How sad for everyone.
I feel like I can't even say that I'm feeling bad anymore. Everyone expects me to be "fine" - I've spent 6 months of my life in the hospital, you'd think that would amount to something and that I would be on the mend. Like I said, I truly hope these feelings are PMS related, because I'm really going down a dark path again. I love my family, but I don't want to be here anymore. Is that wrong? I wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes the thought of it is comforting. Like there is an escape, and I can use the "chicken exit" at any time.
I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me, but rather to understand. I want people to understand that recovery isn't a linear path, but rather one riddled with peaks and valleys - very high highs and extrememly low lows. Just because I'm on medication doesn't mean I'm healed. Just because the doctor gives me a diagnosis and a new pink pill doesn't mean I will be better. I'm a hurt and broken spirit that is filled with chemicals. The chemicals that are supposed to be correcting my brain chemistry to make me "normal". Oh how I wish I were normal.
Thinking of you Amanda
ReplyDeletehey lady!
ReplyDeletePPD isn't something that is fixed with meds or something that goes away in 6mo. I thought mine did, and boy was I wrong. I am ALWAYS here to talk to - send me a pm on facebook and I'll get it instantly on my blackberry and whip on to chat with ya. :)
We'll get through this, together!
Does the weather affect u Amanda..? Currently j am sitting upstairs while my husband is down, simply because for almost the whole day I have been miserable.... I don't know what u are going through....but I do know that "normal" women go through depressing days too.... U r gonna fight this....I think about u often..
ReplyDeleteBig, giant hugs to you. I know that it isn't easy and it can be hard. That desire to be normal is so deep and empty.
ReplyDelete<3 Thinking of you.