Too Mixed to Mention

I know everyone is probably wondering how my time at home is going. I really don't even know where to start - it has been such a mixed experience that it's too difficult to capture in a sentence, or even a paragraph.

I still have a lot of anxiety, and little endurance. Which is not a good combination. I get tired quickly and frustrated easily. When I get frustrated it's hard to control my thoughts - hard not to let them go down "that" road (suicidal ideation). FACs asked me today - have you had any intrusive thoughts? Of course I have, but I'm not going to tell you! I know that's bad, but I hate it that people are always trying to get in to my head...and then when they don't understand what is going on in there, they overreact. No one understands my thoughts, not even me!

My anxiety still very much focuses on what to do with Adelyn...I spent all weekend at home with Greg and Adelyn, and although this would have been a great weekend before, it was awful in terms of anxiety. I couldn't handle it. The thought of having to entertain her 24/7 is so overwhelming that I just want to curl up in bed and hide (which I did for about 45 mins on Sunday). It's like I'm running on fuel and as the hours and days go on, my gas tank empties and there's nothing left. I feel like a shell of a human being - bleak, blank - empty. I told Greg that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. There was nothing there, couldn't even muster a tear.

On the positive side - I survived the weekend! That's about it. Oh, and I survived driving to Woodstock for my neice's first birthday (Happy Birthday Tamara!) - I was SO anxious about that but it all worked out perfectly (trip to Woodstock - check). I don't know if I got anything else positive from it since I felt defeated not encouraged at the end. It was just too much for my first weekend home from the hospital.

So, what is my plan now? Chelsea is still here (and will be for a while) all week and hopefully on weekends Adelyn will go to my in-laws. I feel a lot of guilt over a) spending the money on a nanny and b) my in-laws taking Adelyn, but what choice do I have? I could go back into the hospital, but what good would that do anyone? And don't read that wrong, I'm NOT suggesting I should go back in...I'm definitely better than I was prior to admission. I feel like if I only have Adelyn for 5 days (and still not with full responsibility) then I can handle it. I haven't had a good chance to try this out since this weekend was a bit of a mess (my in-laws couldn't take Adelyn so I decided to tough it out).

If anyone is wondering about my work sitiuation - my boss cancelled my meeting on Friday so I won't know until tomorrow at 4 pm. I'm due to go back in less than 2 months, so I'm VERY anxious about this. I'm going in extremely vulnerable so I'm really scared to hear what they have to say, or if they have ultimatums. I may or may not have a job after tomorrow. I will definitely update once I have had the meeting.

Hope everyone has had a great start to their week!
Amanda