Check-in From Jamaica

Sorry I have been a little absent lately - we are just winding down a lovely trip to Jamaica, flying home today.

I thought now would be a good time for an entry because I've had so much going through my head this past week - I've had a lot of time to think about life, about Adelyn, about my depression. I've missed Adelyn more than I thought I would (great thing), and it made it very difficult some moments to be here and her at home. There were a few times where, if I could have, I would have taken a flight home just to be with her.

I've missed her so much this week that I thought I would really be ready to go home. Then today came. Truth be told I am scared silly to go back home, and I've been getting that lovely knot-in-the-stomach feeling when I think about going home to her. It's easy to miss someone, easy to love someone that is thousands of miles away. But now I have to go home and face reality, and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet - but ready or not, my flight leaves at 9:40 pm, and just like that I'll be back at it.

Earlier in the week I felt like this would be a great "refresh"...like hitting re-start on your computer. I could start new, go home and be ready to be a good mommy to my little girl. I had high hopes that I would go home and be cured of this awful darkness that has plagued me for so long. But, as the hours of departure draw closer my insecurities are running wild in my brain - "I can't do this", "I couldn't do it before, so I can't do it now", "I would rather stay here and not deal with my life". I epitomize the saying "mixed with emotion" right now - I don't know how I feel about going home anymore.

But, no matter what, I have a little girl sitting at home waiting for her mommy and daddy to come back. Like it or not I will be back to my life tomorrow...the feedings, the early mornings, the crying. I can't say that I'm not excited to go home, I am. I'm just so worried that the depression (that has been gone for this week) will come back as soon as I step through the door. I guess I can't think about that now...tomorrow as I do step through our front door I will just have to think about how much I've missed her smile, her cooing, her rolly polly arms. Just think about the love that I have for her and how I couldn't stand to be away from her. As I'm saying this my confidence is returning slightly - maybe I CAN handle this, just like I've handled everything else.

One moment at a time.