To Walk a Mile

I have a lot of people ask me how I'm feeling, which I appreciate, but how do I answer? Nothing I can say can quite capture the depth of my emotions on a daily basis. Words don't exist to describe the pain I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Although I believe there is no true way to convey my feelings, I am going to try and answer the question "how are you feeling?" in this post. I'm going to give it my best shot, and hopefully it can answer some of the questions I know everyone has.

My day starts out with a feeling of dread - waking up to her talking/crying is like a punch in my chest over and over. I feel like I can't handle it, can I really do this one more day? I want to stay in bed, cover my head and forget the world. I feel like I have weights on my arms, my legs, my feet. To get out of bed takes herculian strength some days. Right away the anxiety starts - "what if she cries?", "what if I can't handle it today?", "I'm a bad mother".

The anxiety, like the depression, usually does not leave me for more than a few minutes at a time. It is like someone is crushing my chest in a press - I often feel like I'm suffocating because the anxiety takes my breath away. I battle the "what ifs" every minute of every day...and they are stupid what ifs, like "what if she doesn't eat all her food", "what if she sleeps less than 2 hours this afternoon?" - most of these questions I know most would say "who cares?". Well, I do.

If something happens outside of what I expect, I often come close to a panic attack. I forget everything, my mind goes blank and my heart starts to pound. I can't handle any change in the schedule. I'm getting a little better as time goes on (and as the meds kick in), but it's a natural feeling that I have to consciously fight when things deviate (which is all the time).

The depression, how do I describe the depression? When people are going through hard times it's often described as a tunnel - walking through a dark tunnel towards the light. My depression makes me feel like I'm free falling down a deep well, further and further from the light. I see no way out...every minute I exist some days is painful. I feel absolutely worthless and not worthy of the help and care that I receive. I feel completely hopeless, like there is nothing else to life but this pain. I can't enjoy my daughter, I can't enjoy anything. The lack of capacity for enjoyment makes me feel worse....realizing that all these things are happening that I should appreciate, but instead I just wish the seconds, minutes, hours, away - each one praying for strength to just survive the next.

The depression cripples you in a way that I never ever thought depression could. Some days I literally can't move because the depression has me gripped so tightly. I can't care for Adelyn, I can't even look at her. And again, the realization of these dark feelings causes the self-hatred to continue..."how could I feel this way?" "why can't I be normal?" "I don't deserve this life". Sometimes I have found myself almost catatonic - in a depression coma. I'm lying there, hearing everything going on around me, but feeling like I'm in a vacuum, not able to respond to anyone, in my own little world (and not wanting to leave).

I should say that I have had moments where the anxiety and depression have lifted - this is just an example of my bad days (which unfortunately outweigh the good right now, but I have faith that that will turn around). I really truly wish that there could be more understanding of this condition, of the paralysis it causes to those that suffer. We aren't making it up, we aren't looking for excuses to escape our responsibilities. I'm not lazy. I DO care and I WANT to get better, some days I just don't have any fight left.

If you can take anything from this message, please recognize that those who are depressed have a real problem that is sometimes worse than words. These people need our compassion and patience. They do want to recover, and they are not "taking the easy way out". What they are feeling is real, no matter how irrational it may seem, and no matter what you say to try and make it better. Depressed people may push you away, but they need you - they need your strength and your hope.

And I will finish with the verse that I have posted around my house (because I was losing my faith). "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans the prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11