Unwanted Side Effects

So I've been on Abilify for about two weeks now, and the depression seems to be under control. Unfortunately I've been experiencing a very unwanted side effect - major anxiety. If I were to be assessed and diagnosed now I'm sure it would read "postpartum anxiety" and not PPD.

Anxiety can be such a misunderstood word. Some people might say "I'm anxious about the speech I have to give" or "I have anxiety over planning my wedding"...but this doesn't even begin to explain the amount and depth of the anxiety that I'm experiencing right now.

I will put this disclaimer in: I would much rather deal with this anxiety than the depression. The depression I had no hope, could see now way out, but with this other side of the coin I have hope and faith, and I'm able to hang on.

My anxiety starts first thing in the morning - my heart starts pounding if I hear her talking before 7:30 am...I panic, "what am I going to do with her?" "I can't feed her now or else her schedule will be all messed up!". I get into a cold sweat just worrying over these things, and this is if she wakes up at 7:20 am....10 minutes doesn't seem like a lot, but to me, it's the difference between having a "good" day and having a difficult day (because she's off her schedule). Once I do get her up I am anxious throughout her entire feeding "is she going to eat enough?" "is she going to spit the food back again?" "what do I do if she doesn't want the rest of her bottle?".

My whole day is spent worrying about what to do with her next...she's been very whiney lately, and than puts me into panic mode because I have no clue what to do with her, or how to make her stop. I have no confidence in my mothering skills whatsoever. I rely on people around me to tell me how to do things, or how to make her happy, and that is so frustrating. I wish I knew what to do, and I wish I didn't have to feel the panic every time she makes a peep.

I know she's a baby, and I know that things will happen that are out of my control. BUT, knowing these things doesn't help me at all. My mind unconsciously goes into fight or flight mode when she whines/cries and I can't control the feelings that go through me. It's like a terrifying rollercoaster ride that you can't get off, no matter how many times you think you are finished the ride. It just keeps going and going.

But I have to hang on...this is the one thing that has gotten me out of my pit, and I can't turn back now. I have to deal with this anxiety, no matter how scary it may be. At least with my new found hope I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it will come someday, I just don't know when. Until that day I will continue to pray that God will let me off this rollercoaster, and let me get my bearings before throwing me for another loop. I just need some time to breathe.