PPD is an ugly disease, but there are definitely parts of it that are worse than others. One of my symptoms (that I have mentioned before) is disturbing thoughts. What I'm going to talk about it graphic.
My doctor said I would have breakthrough symptoms when I get stressed. The thoughts are something I never want to talk about. I never want to tell FACS what's going on in my head because it's so disturbing and shameful. I'm afraid they will take away some of the rights I already have with Adelyn, that I've worked so hard for. These thoughts are fewer and far between recently, but they still pop up, and I've been staying silent about them for fear that people will think I'm "crazy" or "losing it" again.
My thoughts get bad mostly when I'm stressed, but sometimes they just come on their own. A few weeks ago I was walking with Adelyn (alone which I shouldn't have been) and she started to get cranky. My first thought was "shut up, I'm going to leave you in the ditch" - and I had a strong urge to. That scared me, but the feeling went away when she calmed down a little. Recently, I had some stress in my relationship (a one day argument sort of thing) and my mind went right downhill - I thought of stabbing Adelyn and then stabbing myself. I wanted to take us both out of this world. Sounds so extreme, and it is, but this is how sick my mind is. The one that scared me the most, was unprovoked...I was watching Adelyn play on the floor and my mind said "I wonder how bad she would scream if I kicked her as hard as I could?" "Would I break her ribs?"
I'm so ashamed to admit that I think these things, and many people won't understand this. They don't know how I could think this about my child. Personally, I see this as part of my sickness...my mind is not right and I'm still suffering, although parts of me are getting better. I can't underestimate the power of this illness. Do I think I would do anything? No. These thoughts scare me, not entice me. I don't welcome them - I want them out of my head more than anything. I want to have feelings of LOVE and JOY when I look at my child, not wondering about how I could accidentally hurt her.
So there it is, what I'm most scared of admitting. I'm putting it out there so people understand what can happen in someone's head that has PPD. BUt, remembering that not all people with PPD will feel this way, but thoughts of harm coming to one's child is pretty common (maybe not being the ones who bring the harm though). If anyone has any questions for me about this, I would be glad to answer. I hope no one views me as a sick monster or something of the like, I'm just trying to be honest, like I have been this entire time. I don't want to start hiding now (because I'm supposed to be in "recovery")
Amanda, you are such a strong and brave person for sharing your feelings. This is one of the many ugly sides of PPD and you are dealing with it and fighting. You shouldn't be ashamed of sharing those thoughts because, as you said, it's part of the illness and you can't control what your mind does while under it's spell. You are an amazing person for getting as far as you have, and I know you will get better. You are loved by too many people to give up! :) Keep up the great work Amanda. It's hard work but you will get through.
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