Missing Mommy

I'm at an interesting point in my recovery right now. I feel as though I'm doing better (which is obvious by lack of hospitalization) but there are new challenges that are arising that I didn't know I would be dealing with. Lately there has been something missing...I have no capacity to experience joy or excitement. For those of you that have this "normal" skill, please cherish it because I miss it terribly. I don't enjoy anything. Nothing. I can't, I physically and mentally can't.

I would imagine that none of you know what I am talking about...maybe you do, but there would be only a very few! It's like being a shell, like not being able to get worked up about anything at all...not feeling that fullness in your chest when you are excited about something. That rush of happiness that comes when you are doing something you enjoy. The way your heart swells when you look at your children or your spouse. I don't have that. The medication and PPD have stolen it from me.

That is the question now...do I HAVE this emotion but the medication is covering it up OR have I not aquired this emotion yet because I'm still suffering with the effects of PPD? That is the question. I talked to my doctor about it a few days ago and she feels as though the lithium may be to blame - it is designed to make you "flat" so that you don't go too high or too low. She is sending me to get bloodwork done on Tuesday to see where my levels are at and we can go from there. At the same token, she doesn't want to change my medication because I am seemingly stable by all other accounts and she doesn't want to mess with that just as I'm going back to work. Sigh, it never really ends.

On another note (or maybe the same), it's Adelyn's 1st birthday this coming week. We are celebrating on Monday by having friends and family over for a BBQ. I'm looking forward to it (as much as I can) and hope that everything works out okay. In terms of Adelyn turning 1, it is very bitter sweet for me. I can't believe I've made it this far..meaning I can't believe I've survived up until now. Thinking back on the year that was makes me so sad, I'm tearing up as I write this. I (and she) missed out on so much of eachother, it's entirely unfair. I spent 6 months of the last year in the hospital...not exactly something to celebrate. At the same time, I'm going to focus on celebrating the gains I have made in the last 6 weeks and remember that I'm not in the hospital NOW and that's a great thing. Before I cycled in and out of the hospital every 4-6 weeks, and now I've beat that 6 week time frame. Something to be proud of I guess.

Another point that gets me is that she is a year old and I am still suffering. How is that fair? Everyone else I know that has dealt with this is usually free and clear by a year. I remember thinking, when I was just starting this journey, that if I could just make it to 6 months...just make it to 8 months....a year...I would be okay. Seeing those milestones come and go made me even more depressed. Now that a year has gone by I'm trying to remain hopeful that maybe just MAYBE this is the end. If I can just make it to Christmas, I will be okay. That gives me 6 months. If I am dealing with this at her 2nd birthday, watch out. No, I can't think of that right now. Focus, focus.

Sorry for the rambling, but I have a lot of thoughts right now, being her birthday and all. I do hope to remain positive and not focus on the negative side of this big event. I thank all my supporters who have stuck by me this whole time, it has been a long haul for us all. I will take this time to celebrate not only Adelyn's life, but my own - thankful to God for allowing me to still be here to help Adelyn blow out her single candle, and hopefully many many more to come in the future.