Me..? A Mommy?

Sounds like a stupid question, but lately that's how I've been feeling. Who made me a mother?? Obviously I know how it happened physically, but in every other sense I don't. Was I ready for this when we decided to try for a child? Heck no. Would I do it all over again? I can't answer that. I want to say no, but that doesn't mean I regret having Adelyn by any means. I just couldn't go through this again. If that means Adelyn is an only child, then so be it (a decision to be made years down the road!)

Inspired by the comment below from Andrea, I feel like I'm just now "coming into my own" as a mother. I'm just now realizing the blood sweat and tears that it takes to be a mother (I had those all before, but resulting from my own struggles). I don't know if people understand what I mean, because of COURSE I have struggled, so didn't I know how hard motherhood was? No. Because people had my child all the time - I wasn't capable of being exposed to the hardships of being a mom. I was too fragile. So now I'm going through the emotions of realizing this little person (not really a baby anymore!) is fully depedent on me, and that's a scary thing.

Am I the only one who's wanted to run away from being a mom? Because that's how I've felt in the last few days. Not because I'm depressed but because I'm now thinking "wow, this person requires ALL of me". Some days I don't have much to give, so she takes a lot. I wish for the days when she responds even more to me - like telling me she loves me and misses me. I think then it will seem easier because the rewards will be so great. Right now she is still getting used to me, and rarely responds to me with kisses, hugs, etc. We're working on it.

So does all this mean I'm not doing well? I think it's the exact opposite. I see it as now I'm well enough to face these things - and that says a lot. I'm so scared about feeing good though, because I'm just waiting for the crash, the fall. Before there always was one...so why would now be any different? I can't think of a reason. Like I said in the last post, I'm just praising God for what I've been given, and praying that it lasts (actually, begging).

So what's going on around here? I am still on 24/7 supervision as per FACS, but I'm meeting with them tomorrow and maybe that will change. I still have not talked to Chelsea about staying or leaving, so that's a conversation that needs to take place. I've been doing the morning routines (and evening)and everything has been going well so far.

Overall, a good report :)