One of the main feelings I have is guilt. Guilt over everything - over the money we're spending on a nanny, over the time other people have to spend with Adelyn, over the stress I've put on my loved ones. Lately I've really been struggling with the guilt of needing a break. Today, my mom has Adelyn but I find it extremely difficult to actually enjoy myself. I feel like I should beat myself up for needing this break, and therefore making myself have a terrible day. Why do I feel this way?? I wish I knew.
I don't think I'm unique in wanting to have a "baby break"...I'm not sure how normal it is, but I don't think I'm alone. I know mothers who have their child in daycare when they are at home (a day here or there). Is it wrong that I look forward to my mom taking her, or my inlaws having her overnight? Does that mean I can't handle Adelyn, because I look forward to these times? I think I CAN handle her because I did take her all weekend (my mother in law was sick), and things went okay. But today came and I was more than ready for my mom to take her. So what does this mean for me? I think it means that I need to go a little easier on myself and realize that being a mom is HARD WORK, PPD or not - and all moms need a break. Easy to say, harder to truly feel.
One thing I'd really like to learn is how to do things with ease. How to not watch the clock all day. I literally look at my watch every five minutes...just wishing the seconds and minutes away. I'm always wanting time to go fast because I want to rush through my day and beat the "bad feelings". When Adelyn is happy I want time to do by so fast so that she'll get through a whole chunk of time quickly and happily. I wish I knew how to just go with the flow, how to enjoy parts of my day. My psychiatrist told me that the "enjoyment piece" is the last one to fall into place, so I'm praying that soon I will be capable of enjoying myself again. Does everyone else enjoy their day so much that they don't check the clock? Do I only do this becaue I have PPD? I'd love to know.
So how is everything else going? Things are going along well, other than me being tired (again, I think this is normal!). I have been taking care of Adelyn in the mornings with Chelsea still in the house, and I've been doing the nighttime routine every evening. I talked to Chelsea about staying and it looks like she will be here until July, so that was good that I finally talked to her. She will start cutting down one day per week in June, going down to Wed-Thur-Fri eventually. I'm doing this to help wean myself off of the help. I haven't started work yet (ahhhh), but have a meeting next week to talk about the start date.
First of all, it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to need a break from baby. Some days I'm at the end of my rope by 3 pm and just count the minutes until my husband comes home to hopefully relieve me. I even went as far as to institute a night off once a week (though I haven't pushed it in a while). I would LOVE to have a whole day off. Can you imagine? A whole day where I didn't have to listen to the whining and crying. It would be bliss. Am I a bad mom because I can truly say I wouldn't feel guilty AT ALL if I left Matthew with my mom or my husband all day?
ReplyDeleteOh and as for the counting the minutes thing, I think that's normal too to a certain extent. If I'm having a bad day all I can do is watch the minutes tick by. If we're having a good day, I like to get out of the house. Planning playdates and excursions really helps me not watch the clock. I think all of what you're going through is normal. It really is hard to be a mom. It's exhausting and emotional and some days you don't think you can do it another minute. You'll get through this, you're already on the right track!
I am constantly looking at my watch! Totally normal! I love my job and yet I still can't wait for that freedom at the end of the day.
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