A New Stage of Recovery

I'm thankful to say that things got better after my PMS week - and after that terrible Friday where my thoughts of suicide returned. Now I'm at a different place (but who knows for how long). I feel like I can't count on anything to be permanent because it never is - something always seems to slip away from me. I'm hoping this time is different, that my feelings of mastery are real and that I CAN actually do this.

This week was my first week that Chelsea is reducing her hours. So she came at 1:30 pm Monday instead of Sunday night. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but to me, spending that morning alone, was extremely scary. I'm so happy to say that the morning went well - I kept busy, went shopping, visiting, etc. I didn't stay home (where I know the thoughts start). Before, I was beating myself up for running away from things at home...but I want to choose to look at leaving as my coping skill, and coping skills are positive. It is ok that I can't stay home because I am taking action to manage my thoughts and feelings. I'm being proactive instead of reactive. I need to keep telling myself that.

So, fresh off of a great morning I still feel the high a little...like "wow, I did that!". I'm going to enjoy the ride as long as I can because it usually ends pretty abruptly. So now I'm taking steps to try and move to the next stage of recovery - for Chelsea to move out. We are going to do this gradually, a day at a time. But, in order for her to do that, I need childcare options. I'm interviewing two daycare providers on Monday so that I can have a back-up plan. So that's the next step.

Today I'm hosting a Mom's Lunch for a bunch of friends. I'm very excited to be doing this "normal" thing and hopefully looking like I've attained some sense of normalcy. I'm not doing this for "show", but I do want to appear like I've got things down...well, not appear but SHOW that i DO have things down. We shall see how this goes...