Rainy Days

Rainy days make it even harder to be in here...not being able go outside for a walk, or to Tim's...This morning I went and got myself a coffee from the cart downstairs, so that was my outing. Last night one of the nurses brought in her pedometer for me and I found out that it is 1000 steps to the ER and back to Norris. So, my goal is to walk that at least 5 times during the days that I am stuck here. I know you're supposed to walk 10,000 steps per day, but I thought this would be a good start!

I have some good news - last night I felt good! Like, really good! Almost high. I also started feeling a little sick to my stomach, so I really feel like the meds are starting to do their thing. I still have a LONG road to go before I'm "better",but this glimpse of hope is really encouraging. I have been on Pristiq for a week today, so we have more weeks of observation before I know if it is really going to work for me (yes, I will be here that whole time). It's one thing to feel good in here...and it's a whole other thing to go home and feel good, and not overwhelmed. One step at a time, and this is one step in the right direction.

I'm still looking forward to seeing Adelyn and Greg this weekend,I just don't know when that will be since Greg is working today :( If he finishes on time then he can pick me up for a bit...I'm only allowed to go out for 4 hours max right now (which is fine with me). I'm just hoping that Greg's day will go well and I can get out for a bit.

I also wanted to let people know that I am having problems with responding to comments on the blog - I am using a netbook to write and there are some things that it won't let me do, and commenting seems to be one of them.I wanted you all to know that I read and appreciate ALL comments, and just because I don't respond doesn't mean I'm not reading them, so please keep them coming, they are very encouraging!

Have a great weekend!

An Outsider Looking In

I'm feeling pretty down today(what else is new..).I found it so hard to get out of bed again this morning. Thankfully I had a sketch to do for this afternoon,and we had Group this morning. The topic was "Fake it till you Make it", which I've made reference to on my blog before. It was basically a discussion on what activities we can do in our daily life that keep us going, keep us "normal" as I would say. We talked about doing activities like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, getting ready...talking about how doing these things and "going through the motions" can actually help us sometimes.

Aside from group I saw Dr.Asti this morning and she told me that the results of my latest ECG came back normal (it was abnormal previously), and that she can now try me on another medication to try and help me sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and of course that is further hindering my mood.I'm trying Trazadone tonight...it's a weak antidepressant with great "sleep-inducing properties" as Dr.Asti says. Hopefully it works because for the last almost 2 weeks I haven't been getting a good sleep and I really need that right now.

Now, I have to make a confession...something I've been holding in. I am growing to despise Facebook and am seriously considering a hiatus. I am not pointing anyone out AT ALL, but this is collective thing that has been really bothering me. All my friends (well, a huge portion) either have kids or is pregnant. I am happy for everyone, I really am...but it makes me feel like an outsider looking in when people put up bump pictures, or post about how much fun they are having with their kids/babies. It gets me right in the chest...I think it's a combination of jealousy (yes, I'll admit that), grief, and the depression. It makes me so sad to think about how happy I used to be...especially when I was pregnant. I remember the anticipation and excitement, and cant help but think of what a letdown it truly was for me. I haven't been honestly happy in 9 months and I am so jealous of those that get to enjoy a normal life. It makes me feel like a terrible mother, and even more inadequate. On the flip side, I love the updates and keeping in touch with my friends, so I don't know what to do with FB right now. A definite love-hate relationship.

On a positive note, I get hours out this weekend...4 hours at a time to go out with friends or family. I'm looking forward to seeing Greg and Adelyn and spending some much needed time away from this hospital.

Flow

I can't help but feeling like I am boring everyone to death with my daily updates, but it gives me something to do, so you all will just have to bear with me.

I had a really bad start to my day..let me back up and say this bad day started last night. Yesterday my Norris friend (well, I'd like to think legitimate friend now), left yesterday which had me feeling down, not to mention that my room mate just got privileges and was able to go out last night. So there I sat by myself...I curled up in bed at 5:30pm and didn't move(didn't sleep either), until 8pm when one of the nurses came to see how I was. I just felt so incredibly down that I felt it through and through physically.

Unfortunately that is how my day started today...not wanting to get out of bed. I had some blood work taken, ate my breakfast, then pulled up the covers until 9:30 am when I just felt so gross that I managed to get my butt out of bed to take a shower. Maybe some people are thinking “must be nice to stay in bed all the time”. Trust me, it's a terrible feeling and I despise it. You feel so heavy and down that you can't move. I would wish it on no one.

This morning I started on my new dosage of Pristiq...obviously I don't feel better yet but I also didn't feel any side effects. Again, you must be thinking “that's good, no side effects”...well, to me, that means that the drug is not doing a darn thing in my body. I WANT some side effects to let me know that something,anything, is working in there.

I had one highlight to my day so far (yay) and that was sketching...I sketched a picture of Adelyn, then the secretary saw it and asked me if I could sketch her grandchildren, which I did and it turned out quite nice (if I do say so myself). It kept me busy and I experienced some “flow” (think 1^st year Recreation theory class)...I enjoyed what I was doing and I was good at it. That was the one thing that has kept me out of bed today, and that just goes to show you how important recreation is...yes, I'm plugging therapeutic recreation and not just because that's what I do, but I've experienced the need for it first hand. Everyone needs to experience some”flow” in their lives – whatever that may come from.

I finished the drawing and am already “booked” for tomorrow with another request, which of course makes me feel good. So now I am just waiting for a visit from Pastor Ryan, which I am looking forward to. I just hope that I can ride my high through the rest of the day and fight the strong urge to just crawl back into bed and shut out the world.

Another Day at Norris

I've been feeling really down today. Not sure why...I saw Adelyn this morning but it didn't go all that well (in my mind) because she was getting tired and needed her nap. I don't know if that contributed to my mood or not, I guess it is what it is.

I woke up this morning to my laptop and knitting missing - turns out that the lovely night staff came into my room while I was sleeping and snatched all my "illegals". I was pretty ticked of because I thought it was definitely rude and disrespectful. Thankfully I got all my things back this morning from the day staff, with the promise that I will lock everything up at night (fine by me). I also found out that Greg will be able to attend my specialist appointment with me on Monday in Hamilton (by OPT), which is good news.

I saw the doctor this afternoon and told her how down I was feeling. Yesterday I was having a lot of irrational thoughts like God hates me and is punishing me, my friends have all left me, my family hates me...and they go on and on. I was very negative yesterday and it has really been affecting me. She decided to up my Pristiq to the max dose of 100 mg as of tomorrow. This comes with the risk that I could feel really ill, but I'm willing (as well as she) to up the dose and deal with what comes...hoping that the benefits outweigh the risks.

I'm starting to lose sight of why I am here...I have to remind myself daily that I'm here for a purpose and that is to get better for my family . But it is getting really hard and it's only been a week (just over) that I have been here. I'm feeling forgotten and lonely. I wish every minute of the day that I could be well enough to leave here and well enough to WANT to take care of Adelyn since right now I have lost all desire. I have no drive and no ambition, some moments I don't even have the ambition to get better, but I know I need to do this for my family, if not for me.

Patience

"Wait for the LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"
Psalm 24:17

This is the verse that is right at the foot of my bed so I can read it all the time. I have to have patience; patience for the meds to work; patience to be able to leave the floor; patience to be able to be a good mom.

I decided that I'm going to use my blog as my personal journal while I am in here. As such, sometimes I may not make much sense but I think it is something that will be therapeutic for me, as well as educational for others.

I saw Dr. Asti this morning; I expected that she would let me out tomorrow to go spend some time with Adelyn and my mom. Turns out that she feels like I'm not ready to go out yet...I haven't been sleeping and I had a bad day yesterday. Yesterday I felt like I truly wanted to put Adelyn up for adoption - that didn't want to be a mom anymore and that some other family would love her more than I would. This is where the explanation comes in...I know this is my irrational brain talking so would I ACTUALLY put her up for adoption? Clearly not, but it doesn't stop the thoughts that come. I've been very negative lately and feeling like there is no pill to make me a better mom. There is no pill that will make me into the person that I want so desperately to be.

So today I'm stuck in here again, not able to leave. For those of you that are wondering, my mom was nice enough to let me borrow her netbook and I have amazingly found an internet connection here on the library window sill. I would like to use this blog as a daily account of my journey, in hopes that I won't bore everyone to death I will try and keep it interesting.

The one problem is that there are some computer nazi's around here, and if I get seen with my computer they may take it from me. Also, I'm not allowed to have the cord to charge it, so it all depends on who's at the nurses station to see if they will let me charge the computer or not. what a joke really. So frustrating. Hopefully I will manage to manipulate the nursing staff enough to continually have the computer, but we shall see.

Life in the Bubble

It's almost been one week since I checked myself into the psych ward. Today was a typical day except for the fact that I was lucky enough to see Adelyn (Greg brought her here). It was really nice to see her, and we had a great visit, but at the end I was ready for her to go. I hate that I don't cry when she leaves, and I hate that I don't yearn for her like I think a real mother should. Most often times I feel very ambivalent about the whole sitiation...uncaring. I WANT to get better but sometimes I just shut everything down and find that I lose the ability to care about anything.

I spend a lot of time with my own head these days, and I wish that it would help me figure things out. I'm very anxious because I feel like I won't know when I am better - I have no idea what "well" feels like and that scares the crap out of me. How will I know when I'm ready to go home? How will I TRULY know? Every other time I have thought that I was fine, just to end up right back here again. I no longer trust myself or my thoughts.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am undergoing a pretty big medication switch. So far, I haven't experienced any severe withdrawal effects except for some hot flashes and agitation. My agitation includes the "bad" thoughts that keep re-surfacing. I picture people being killed, I see people hanging, I imagine gouging someone's eyes out. I SEE these things, not desire to do them - very complex to explain, just like everything else! I am assured though, that an increase in my symptoms is very common and that I shouldn't worry because I am in the right place.

So, there you have it - my somewhat short and sweet update for the day. I don't know how many updates I will be able to do since internet access is very limited in here, but I will do my best.

Not That Mom

Hey everyone, here is my first check-in from Norris. I have been in here for 5 days now and holding on strong.

Just to get everyone up to speed - Dr. Asti has been changing around my medications and has taken me off (cold turkey) risperidone (antipsychotic) and cipralex (antidepressant). So far I haven't noticed any terrible withdrawals - only a few hot flashes today when she stopped the cipralex and started the Pristiq. Pristiq is my newest weapon - it is a new and "improved" version of Effexor (some of you may have heard of it). This is an SNRI as opposed to an SSRI and works on different chemicals in the brain. I am praying hard that this combo is what will click with my damaged brain.

On top of changing medications I have also been trying work work on myself in other ways as well. I had a great sit down with the social worker yesterday and it helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Mainly, it was nice to talk to her because she told me she hated the baby phase. Now, how could that help me? She was trying to show me that I wasn't alone and that just possibly, the depression itself is being compounded by the fact that I just really am not cut out for this phase of my child's life. I'm not "that" mom. I'm not the type of mom that can sit around all day and play developmental games with their child - I'm not the make-your-own-baby-food-from-scratch type of mom. I'm just not that person, and I'm learning to deal with that. Now, I know there are people reading this that might be different from me, and that's totally fine - I respect everyone for how they choose to parent, I just have to learn to start accepting myself and not comparing with all the other moms out there.

The social worker also talked to me about focusing on ME, and not so much about the "mom" me. She talked about going to depression support groups (not PPD related), and going for counselling for just myself. I appreciated the fact that she recognized that I am still a person here, that I'm not just a mom who needs fixing. It's time that people stop pressuring me to fit into this mommy mold and let me be who I want and need to be. Jen (the SW) gave me some of my power back, and that is worth so much to me.

Lastly, I have been blessed to have met some wonderful people in here so far. God has blessed me with an awesome roommate with whom I can be comfortable with, and has also been good enough to bring Tiffany into my life here in Norris. Tiffany, I know you're reading this and I wanted to thank you for listening to me, and for being a great friend, even though I have only known you for a short time. Meeting people like you makes all this struggling worth it.

I will still be here for probably another 3 or 4 weeks...waiting for medications to kick in. I can be reached by text message at (905) 327-5985 in case anyone needs to get a hold of me. I would very much welcome visitors, so please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd be willing to drop by. Thank-you for your continued prayers, they are felt everyday.