Back to Life, Back to Reality...

So it was Adelyn's birthday this week - pretty exciting stuff. I hosted her birthday party on Monday and surprisingly everything went very well. I handled it with some ease and didn't find myself wanting to run out of the room screaming (like I have in the past with other functions). I planned, I organized, and I executed like a regular human being. It was quite nice. Adelyn was of course the star of the show, and loved every minute of it! She's such a ham.

On another note, it was back to reality for me this week because I started back at work. I think everyone was sort of holding their breath to see whether or not this was going to break me (and understandably so). Thankfully I haven't been beaten down yet, although going back to work is a challenge. I am spoiled currently because Chelsea lives-in and therefore I don't have to truck Adelyn off to daycare in the morning, I can just hand her over and leave. It works out quite nice. Unfortunately I won't have Chelsea forever, so I will have to be a big girl and look at my day care options. As of right now, Chelsea will be going down to 4 days per week in the middle of June...I don't know how I feel about that quite yet, but I have a few weeks to decide!

I wonder how it feels for "normal" women to go back to work after having a baby...do they pine all day for their little one? Do they call home 5 times to see how they are doing? Do they just get through their work day because they have to and rush home to see their babies? Is it wrong to say that I enjoyed being at work? Yes, it was a little hard to leave Adelyn (especially after the big kisses she gave me!), but once I was at work I found I was so focused that it was nice to have the mental and physical break from caring for Adelyn. I texted once to see how she was, but other than that I wasn't worried - I knew she was well taken care of and that I had to focus on work. I really like my new job and am getting used to all the new people and places. I don't know how my experience chalks up to someone who has not had my afflictions, but I would imagine I'm somewhat in the realm of normal....?

Missing Mommy

I'm at an interesting point in my recovery right now. I feel as though I'm doing better (which is obvious by lack of hospitalization) but there are new challenges that are arising that I didn't know I would be dealing with. Lately there has been something missing...I have no capacity to experience joy or excitement. For those of you that have this "normal" skill, please cherish it because I miss it terribly. I don't enjoy anything. Nothing. I can't, I physically and mentally can't.

I would imagine that none of you know what I am talking about...maybe you do, but there would be only a very few! It's like being a shell, like not being able to get worked up about anything at all...not feeling that fullness in your chest when you are excited about something. That rush of happiness that comes when you are doing something you enjoy. The way your heart swells when you look at your children or your spouse. I don't have that. The medication and PPD have stolen it from me.

That is the question now...do I HAVE this emotion but the medication is covering it up OR have I not aquired this emotion yet because I'm still suffering with the effects of PPD? That is the question. I talked to my doctor about it a few days ago and she feels as though the lithium may be to blame - it is designed to make you "flat" so that you don't go too high or too low. She is sending me to get bloodwork done on Tuesday to see where my levels are at and we can go from there. At the same token, she doesn't want to change my medication because I am seemingly stable by all other accounts and she doesn't want to mess with that just as I'm going back to work. Sigh, it never really ends.

On another note (or maybe the same), it's Adelyn's 1st birthday this coming week. We are celebrating on Monday by having friends and family over for a BBQ. I'm looking forward to it (as much as I can) and hope that everything works out okay. In terms of Adelyn turning 1, it is very bitter sweet for me. I can't believe I've made it this far..meaning I can't believe I've survived up until now. Thinking back on the year that was makes me so sad, I'm tearing up as I write this. I (and she) missed out on so much of eachother, it's entirely unfair. I spent 6 months of the last year in the hospital...not exactly something to celebrate. At the same time, I'm going to focus on celebrating the gains I have made in the last 6 weeks and remember that I'm not in the hospital NOW and that's a great thing. Before I cycled in and out of the hospital every 4-6 weeks, and now I've beat that 6 week time frame. Something to be proud of I guess.

Another point that gets me is that she is a year old and I am still suffering. How is that fair? Everyone else I know that has dealt with this is usually free and clear by a year. I remember thinking, when I was just starting this journey, that if I could just make it to 6 months...just make it to 8 months....a year...I would be okay. Seeing those milestones come and go made me even more depressed. Now that a year has gone by I'm trying to remain hopeful that maybe just MAYBE this is the end. If I can just make it to Christmas, I will be okay. That gives me 6 months. If I am dealing with this at her 2nd birthday, watch out. No, I can't think of that right now. Focus, focus.

Sorry for the rambling, but I have a lot of thoughts right now, being her birthday and all. I do hope to remain positive and not focus on the negative side of this big event. I thank all my supporters who have stuck by me this whole time, it has been a long haul for us all. I will take this time to celebrate not only Adelyn's life, but my own - thankful to God for allowing me to still be here to help Adelyn blow out her single candle, and hopefully many many more to come in the future.

Ugliest Side of PPD

PPD is an ugly disease, but there are definitely parts of it that are worse than others. One of my symptoms (that I have mentioned before) is disturbing thoughts. What I'm going to talk about it graphic.

My doctor said I would have breakthrough symptoms when I get stressed. The thoughts are something I never want to talk about. I never want to tell FACS what's going on in my head because it's so disturbing and shameful. I'm afraid they will take away some of the rights I already have with Adelyn, that I've worked so hard for. These thoughts are fewer and far between recently, but they still pop up, and I've been staying silent about them for fear that people will think I'm "crazy" or "losing it" again.

My thoughts get bad mostly when I'm stressed, but sometimes they just come on their own. A few weeks ago I was walking with Adelyn (alone which I shouldn't have been) and she started to get cranky. My first thought was "shut up, I'm going to leave you in the ditch" - and I had a strong urge to. That scared me, but the feeling went away when she calmed down a little. Recently, I had some stress in my relationship (a one day argument sort of thing) and my mind went right downhill - I thought of stabbing Adelyn and then stabbing myself. I wanted to take us both out of this world. Sounds so extreme, and it is, but this is how sick my mind is. The one that scared me the most, was unprovoked...I was watching Adelyn play on the floor and my mind said "I wonder how bad she would scream if I kicked her as hard as I could?" "Would I break her ribs?"

I'm so ashamed to admit that I think these things, and many people won't understand this. They don't know how I could think this about my child. Personally, I see this as part of my sickness...my mind is not right and I'm still suffering, although parts of me are getting better. I can't underestimate the power of this illness. Do I think I would do anything? No. These thoughts scare me, not entice me. I don't welcome them - I want them out of my head more than anything. I want to have feelings of LOVE and JOY when I look at my child, not wondering about how I could accidentally hurt her.

So there it is, what I'm most scared of admitting. I'm putting it out there so people understand what can happen in someone's head that has PPD. BUt, remembering that not all people with PPD will feel this way, but thoughts of harm coming to one's child is pretty common (maybe not being the ones who bring the harm though). If anyone has any questions for me about this, I would be glad to answer. I hope no one views me as a sick monster or something of the like, I'm just trying to be honest, like I have been this entire time. I don't want to start hiding now (because I'm supposed to be in "recovery")

Judge and Jury

One of the main feelings I have is guilt. Guilt over everything - over the money we're spending on a nanny, over the time other people have to spend with Adelyn, over the stress I've put on my loved ones. Lately I've really been struggling with the guilt of needing a break. Today, my mom has Adelyn but I find it extremely difficult to actually enjoy myself. I feel like I should beat myself up for needing this break, and therefore making myself have a terrible day. Why do I feel this way?? I wish I knew.

I don't think I'm unique in wanting to have a "baby break"...I'm not sure how normal it is, but I don't think I'm alone. I know mothers who have their child in daycare when they are at home (a day here or there). Is it wrong that I look forward to my mom taking her, or my inlaws having her overnight? Does that mean I can't handle Adelyn, because I look forward to these times? I think I CAN handle her because I did take her all weekend (my mother in law was sick), and things went okay. But today came and I was more than ready for my mom to take her. So what does this mean for me? I think it means that I need to go a little easier on myself and realize that being a mom is HARD WORK, PPD or not - and all moms need a break. Easy to say, harder to truly feel.

One thing I'd really like to learn is how to do things with ease. How to not watch the clock all day. I literally look at my watch every five minutes...just wishing the seconds and minutes away. I'm always wanting time to go fast because I want to rush through my day and beat the "bad feelings". When Adelyn is happy I want time to do by so fast so that she'll get through a whole chunk of time quickly and happily. I wish I knew how to just go with the flow, how to enjoy parts of my day. My psychiatrist told me that the "enjoyment piece" is the last one to fall into place, so I'm praying that soon I will be capable of enjoying myself again. Does everyone else enjoy their day so much that they don't check the clock? Do I only do this becaue I have PPD? I'd love to know.

So how is everything else going? Things are going along well, other than me being tired (again, I think this is normal!). I have been taking care of Adelyn in the mornings with Chelsea still in the house, and I've been doing the nighttime routine every evening. I talked to Chelsea about staying and it looks like she will be here until July, so that was good that I finally talked to her. She will start cutting down one day per week in June, going down to Wed-Thur-Fri eventually. I'm doing this to help wean myself off of the help. I haven't started work yet (ahhhh), but have a meeting next week to talk about the start date.

Me..? A Mommy?

Sounds like a stupid question, but lately that's how I've been feeling. Who made me a mother?? Obviously I know how it happened physically, but in every other sense I don't. Was I ready for this when we decided to try for a child? Heck no. Would I do it all over again? I can't answer that. I want to say no, but that doesn't mean I regret having Adelyn by any means. I just couldn't go through this again. If that means Adelyn is an only child, then so be it (a decision to be made years down the road!)

Inspired by the comment below from Andrea, I feel like I'm just now "coming into my own" as a mother. I'm just now realizing the blood sweat and tears that it takes to be a mother (I had those all before, but resulting from my own struggles). I don't know if people understand what I mean, because of COURSE I have struggled, so didn't I know how hard motherhood was? No. Because people had my child all the time - I wasn't capable of being exposed to the hardships of being a mom. I was too fragile. So now I'm going through the emotions of realizing this little person (not really a baby anymore!) is fully depedent on me, and that's a scary thing.

Am I the only one who's wanted to run away from being a mom? Because that's how I've felt in the last few days. Not because I'm depressed but because I'm now thinking "wow, this person requires ALL of me". Some days I don't have much to give, so she takes a lot. I wish for the days when she responds even more to me - like telling me she loves me and misses me. I think then it will seem easier because the rewards will be so great. Right now she is still getting used to me, and rarely responds to me with kisses, hugs, etc. We're working on it.

So does all this mean I'm not doing well? I think it's the exact opposite. I see it as now I'm well enough to face these things - and that says a lot. I'm so scared about feeing good though, because I'm just waiting for the crash, the fall. Before there always was one...so why would now be any different? I can't think of a reason. Like I said in the last post, I'm just praising God for what I've been given, and praying that it lasts (actually, begging).

So what's going on around here? I am still on 24/7 supervision as per FACS, but I'm meeting with them tomorrow and maybe that will change. I still have not talked to Chelsea about staying or leaving, so that's a conversation that needs to take place. I've been doing the morning routines (and evening)and everything has been going well so far.

Overall, a good report :)

Up, Down....Up?

I haven't written in a little while, so I thought I should provide an update! Things have actually been going pretty well - I'm afraid to say that (so as not to jinx myself) but it's true. I had my work meeting last Wednesday and I was offered two days a week, working as a part time recreation director (same title as before), so I was happy with that. Financially, it would be better if I was working three days, but I will take what I can get. Unfortunately like I said below, they were questioning my ability to work so I have to get a sign-off from my psychiatrist.

On Wednesday I went to my in-laws to stay for a little while since my nanny was off for a few days. I ended up being alone with Adelyn (breaking FACS rules so shhh) and everything went fine - I was able to keep my cool and not get too anxious. I was pretty proud of myself. I met with FACS on Friday (obviously not telling them I was alone) and they still have me on 24/7 supervision until I see my doctor tomorrow. Then they will probably start with two hours or something piddly like that. Oh well, I guess I have to take it one small step at a time.

Weekends are usually harder for me because my nanny is not here (yes, Greg is here but he's usually busy with house stuff). Saturday I picked Adelyn up at lunch and had her for the rest of the day and all day Sunday - this has changed from Adelyn spending ALL day Saturday and Sunday with my in-laws. Sunday we actually went to church and...gasp...it worked out fine! Adelyn missed her morning nap (which I was freaking out about) but she was a trooper and just went down for a longer nap in the afternoon. I also visited with a good friend, then went for dinner at my mom's, where....gasp again....Adelyn was an hour late for bedtime! And you know what? I was okay! I survived and felt good about it! This is pretty huge. I was dreading Sunday because I knew it would be so busy with church and dinner messing with her schedule so add this to my check-list :)

So right now what's bugging me is what to do with my nanny after June (when I stop getting my maternity leave pay). We can't really afford to pay her based on what I will be making (I will be making half my mat. leave pay, so that makes a huge difference!). Every time there is a big change I go downhill. I don't know how to "wean" myself off of Chelsea in a way that makes sense both financially and emotionally for me. That's the next big step in my recovery. In September we potentially have someone moving in (a boarder from Niagara College) so I have something lined up after the summer, but not during. Really I know there's no answer anyone can give me right now, I'm just throwing it out there that I'm confused about what to do. I guess only time will tell...

So, it seems I'm on an "up swing" right now - so I'm going to enjoy it! Don't get me wrong though, each day is still a fight, but I seem to be mastering the days better than I was before. That's also not to say that I won't go down again - actually I'm expecting it - but in the meantime I will be thankful to God for allowing me some much needed (and I feel much deserved) reprieve.