Getting Back into the Swing of Things

So, I have been neglectful the past few months, and I bet I have lost a few avid readers. I apologize for my absence, I really felt as though I had nothing valuable to write, as I was STILL struggling with the same old things. Nobody wants to hear about my continual struggles, I thought. I'm not worth blogging about. It's useless because no one reads this anwyays. A few things that were running through my head. But now, as I am emerging from a dark place, I realize that I need to speak up for others who are experiencing PPD - I need to be a light at the end of the tunnel for those that are suffering. I have a passion for helping others, and this will be my outlet. So, please, find refuge here. Now to update everyone regarding my condition since my stint at Singing Waters. I was maintaining the status quo if you could say that. My medications were doing "something" but not everything. I was still VERY anxious about Adelyn and about taking care of her. I couldn't imagine taking her places on my own, or being in charge of her well-being. I was super fatigued and could barely function. I thought this was a result of the medications, and a side effect that I had to deal with. I didn't even realize how tired I actually was, because I have lived like this for the past 2 years. Tired was normal. Unfortunately, being so tired all the time just increased my anxiety because I knew I couldn't deal with Adelyn on my own - I just didn't have the energy. I was beginning to think that this would never, ever, ever end. I mean, TWO YEARS?! Seriously? Websites that talk about PPD say that "PPD can last a few weeks, or even up to a year" - making it sound like a year was the cut off point. This is part of the reason why I'm making my struggle public again - to dispell the myth that PPD has an end date. This is not true (sorry to say), but it's not. PPD lasts as long as it wants to, which can possibly last more than the aforementioned "year". I know this in itself is even more depressing to those that are suffering, but the hope still remains that this WILL end - whether it be after a few weeks, or a few years. You WILL be normal again. Whatever version of "normal" that may be. In comparison to a year ago, I am doing wonderfully - no thoughts of suicide or hurting Adelyn. Just a lingering, ever-present, anxiety over being a mother. The sight of a newborn made me nauseous and brought back flackbacks. The sound of crying would throw me into a panic, knowing how hard that time of my life was. I still felt "on the outside" of everything - I would go to the park and feel like the odd woman out. I was no where near those other mothers. I was different. If only people knew what I had been though, and they would never talk to me. If only they knew how I felt at this moment, they would shun me. I was constantly afraid that I would be "found out", and therefore I distanced myself from everyone. Which then reinforced the fact that I was different, because I had no mom friends. I was alienated by my own doing. Not to mention the fact that I always had a nanny in tow. What a way to make me feel like an outsider. People that didn't know my struggle would look at me (I'm sure) and think - "wow, well laddy-da, I wish I could afford a nanny". I'm sure I was looked at like a rich b*tch who couldn't handle her child on her own. That's just my impression anyways. Maybe I'm wrong. But again, just another factor that added to my alienation amongst other mothers. So there I was, plodding along, learning to manage life (with help) and panicking about how I was going to live life without Brittany, who I knew needed to leave at SOME point. I went to my (awesome) doctor, Dr. Asti, and she of course asked how I was doing. She asked if I was tired (I must have looked utterly gorgeous at that moment, and I said "I'm always tired". I told her tired was normal. She was immediately flagged to my thyroid function. I was sent for bloodwork (which had been done in the past as well). So I went the next day...and not even 48 hours received a call back from my family doctor saying I needed to come in right away. Apparently my TSH levels were really high, which means you are hypothyroid. A lightbulb went off in my head. You mean there's a REASON for my fatigue? This isnt' something I have to live with for the rest of my life?! I was so incredibly happy that I was diagnosed with this chronic illness. Hypothyroid. It seemed like an answer to prayer. My doctor sent me off with a prescription of Synthroid, a synthetic thyroid hormone, and said I would feel "great in a week". I didn't quite believe that it would only take a week, as some people have said as much as 6 weeks, but I was still optimistic. So, with renewed hope, I popped my first pill and prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Then, a few days later, something happened. I felt good. I had energy. I wanted to spend time with Adelyn and I felt "happy". I described it like the commercial that says "Claritin clear" - I felt like a fog was pulled away from the colours of my life and I could once again see clearly. The sky was brighter, my love was stronger. It was amazing. Now, I'm not going to go as far as to say that "I'm cured", but this is the most normal I have felt in the last two years. The transformation is something I can't even describe by typing it out. My anxiety is almost gone - I feel capable and confident. I see Adelyn as a little person who is worthy of my love and attention. I ask for more hugs and kisses, and I get them! I tell her I love her all the time, and she says "I wuv you Mommy". My heart fills and overflows. Even as I write this, I want to smile out of the joy that is motherhood. What? Did I just says that?? Yes, the JOY of MOTHERHOOD. I get it now. I really get it. I never understood why people could have two, three, four - children. That baffled me, truly. But now I understand - being a mother is a blessing, and each child is a gift. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where the effects of the depression rear its ugly head, but these times are less and less. I have been blessed that this "chronic illness" which is hypothyroidism has evolved into a magic pill for me to swallow. Have I had low thyroid this entire time? That question can't help but be prominent in my mind. I've read a lot about postpartum thyroid problems and how they can mimic the symptoms of PPD. My thyroid levels WERE checked a few times, but I wonder how "normal" they were - perhaps they appeared normal on paper, but were not normal for me? All these questions that might never have an answer. All I know is, this thyroid hormone has unlocked a door that has been dead-bolted since Adelyn's birth. I've opened it and have been greeted with unabounding rays of sunshine. Now all I can do is bask in it. I know I will continue to have challenges, and I intend on talking about them here. My road is still going to be a bumpy one and I don't want anyone thinking that you can just "turn off" your PPD and never feel any aftershocks. I want to speak out about PPD and let everyone know that this is NORMAL, not abnormal, to feel these things after a baby is born. You are NOT alone and there IS hope. I want to help others in any way that I can - I have a story to tell and I want to inspire others to keep going, keep fighting. It's worth it.

Loud and Clear...?

Just checking in since my last post, I'm sure some of you have been wondering how I have been doing. In a word, I've been great. I have my moments, but overall I feel like a normal, healthy, human being. It's an amazing and wonderful change. I have no one to thank but God, and I am making it my mission to spread the awe-inspiring work that He has done in my life.

Now, I may lose some readers because of the focus of my posts, and that's okay with me. Mainly, I want to use this blog to track my progress and the glorify the name of God through what I share. I believe I have a message to give to others, and maybe, just maybe, it will touch someone's heart. One can only hope anyways.

The most significant change in my life has been the ability to reduce some of my medications - which I had tried previously and failed. I have completely stopped Seroquel (anti-psychotic) and Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) with minimal to zero side effects. I have also reduced my other anti-psychotic by half. I am now (only) taking an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and an antipsychotic. Take this information for what it's worth, but I know that it means that God is working powerfully in my life, to allow me to reduce as much as I have with no side effects. I have not yet told my doctor, but I'm praying that she will take the news with an open mind and not be too upset with me. Yes, I know I should have done with this the doctor's blessing...I do realize that, however, I'm following God's lead and this is what I've been directed to do and I know that it will be fine. I'm not stupid, I'm not stopping all my meds, but I was on so much that it was overkill and everyone knew it (except my doctor apparently).

The one thing I have really been struggling with, is finding a direction in my life. God told me that reflexology and the sugaring were not right at this moment in time and now I feel a little lost. I am doing my recreation therapy and that seems to be going well. That brings me to being able to share another answer to prayer; I quit sugaring and reflexology on a Wednesday, and I was terrified about the financial loss that this would equate to. Then, on Thursday I got a call for a job that I didn't even apply for...! It was 8 hours per week and I was pretty much offered the job right away, I never even had a formal interview. This job is recreation and they pay very well. It makes up what I lost, and then some. Coincidence? I don't think so.

So now what am I going to do? I am going to try and be the best mother and wife that I can be, and to work diligently at the tasks that have been given to me. At the same time, I feel a very strong calling to complete an education in Christian Counseling, to give back to others and to make a purpose for my suffering. I really want to start a counseling ministry when the time is right. I have qualified to take a Masters in Christian Counseling, but now I just need th money. I'm praying that God will provide this for me, if it is really what He wants me to do. Now I just wait and hope that I'm hearing His voice loud and clear, and not my own.

I want to thank all of you for reading and for your on-going support. I am honoured to have all of you in my life. I could not have gotten through what I have gotten through if it weren't for all of you and your prayers and words of encouragement. I thank-you for that whole-heartedly.

Please continue to pray that God will provide a way for me to take this education, or that He will show me another way. Thanks again.

Amanda

A Renewed Faith

Sorry all, I haven't written in a while. I've been going through some changes and for some reason I didn't feel like blogging about it until now (don't ask me why?).

I was at an interesting point in my "recovery" - everyone thought I was doing better, and I was, relatively speaking. The ECT had worked for my depression for the most part, and I was just trying to deal with the intrusive thoughts of wanting to kill my own daughter (no small task as you can imagine). I was plagued with thoughts of wanting to cut myself, to drown Adelyn, anything morbid you can think of, would go through my head. It was terrible. All the while people still thinking I'm getting "better" because on the outside I looked "brighter" as some would say.

I was on a road that I didn't know where I was going...I wasn't quite going backwards and I wasn't quite going forwards. I was stuck. Stuck in some sort of wicked limbo. We had our Family Group Conference coming up and I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be. *Side note: the Family Group Conference was ordered by FACS in order to come up with a safety plan for Adelyn, a whole host of people were invited...it was a day long event, very mentally exhausting.

Amongst all this I met with Sue, my mental health counsellor. She asked me "have you ever heard of Singing Waters?" I hadn't. She told me that one of her other clients went there and felt like she had "200lbs lifted off her shoulders". I was immediately intrigued and I Googled it. Singing Waters is a Christian retreat center, focused on helping hurting individuals find healing. I knew this is where I needed to go.

I sent a letter to the coordinator asking for permission to join their "healing weekend", and I got a response right away saying there was one that weekend. I jumped at the chance, and even Greg was willing to go (that was impressive...I didn't think he would be up for it). So off we went.

I can't quite describe to you how amazing this weekend was. It would take me paragraph after paragraph to tell you how God worked in both of our lives in those two days. It was awe-inspiring, I don't know what else to say except for that. On the last day, we were singing "How Great is Our God" and all of a sudden, the floodgates opened and I was bawling my eyes out. Why? Because God told me He was going to heal me. I heard it loud and clear - in my head and in my heart. I knew it was real. I was going to be healed. I didn't know if it was going to be that day, that year, or that decade, but I knew I was going to get better. God is so good.

Fast forward to now and I've had an amazing two weeks since that weekend. I am spending so much more time in the Word and in prayer. Each time I have a nasty thought I talk to God about it and He gets rid of it. In Job it says "I will rescue you again, and again, so that NO EVIL can touch you" (emphasis added). I repeat this verse to myself umpteenth times per day, and it helps more than you can imagine. What is happening to me is evil, there is no doubt about that. All my thoughts are not of myself...I would NEVER think those things. So where else would they come from? Common sense says if it's not good, it's not God, so what is left? You're starting to get the picture.

Was I healed that weekend? I don't know. Only time will tell. Do I believe God is going to heal me? Without a doubt. I wait in faith for Him to act, whenever that may be. It is all in His time. All I know is that I've been doing amazingly well considering all that I've dealt with in the past two years. I'm reducing some of my medication because I have faith that God can carry me through...better and more effective than any pill on the market. No, I'm not totally ignorant, I'm not stopping all my pills...rather, I'm cutting some things down because I'm on such a huge cocktail and it's time.

So what's the moral of my story? I'm praying that each and every one of you who reads this will stop and think of your own relationship with God. Do YOU believe he can heal you of all your hurts? I know you have some. We all do. Do YOU carry Him with you everyday and lean on Him for your survival? If you don't, it is my hope and my prayer that you will. There is no love greater than the Father's, and you will never know anything better. I can promise you.

If you want to know more about my encounter with God that weekend I would be happy to share that with you, just send me an email. I will leave you with the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you a HOPE and a future." (emphasis added).

Constantly Comparing

I always comparing myself to other mothers. It's just something I can't help. I'm always wanting to know if I'm NORMAL, and the only way I know how to gauge that is if I compare to who I "think" is normal. Lately I've been feeling like how I feel about Adelyn is abnormal.

I don't think I love her like a mother should love a child. But then again, I don't know HOW a mother should love a child. I really don't. I feel like Adelyn is a neice or a sister....I LOVE her, but I don't think what I feel is a motherly love. What is motherly love?? For example, she has been gone for a few days with her nanny, and I find myself being able to breathe - to relax. Does that make me a bad mother? Does the fact that I am enjoying her absence make me a terrible person? I feel like it does.

I wish I knew what it felt like to be normal for once. I crave a feeling of normalcy - even something that resembles normalcy would be acceptable. How do you feel about your child? Do you ache for them when they are gone? Do you feel waves of love running over you when you look at them? Do you feel unending energy when it comes to doing things for them? I'm missing all of this. In my mind that equals = bad mother. So why bother trying to mother at all? If I'm going to fail at it, why bother in the first place?

I have unending questions and no answers. I don't even know who can answer them for me. I asked my psychiatrist why I felt this way, and all she could tell me was not to "label" my feelings just yet, that I don't even know WHAT I'm feeling half the time so I shouldn't put a name to it. That wasn't much of an answer...to be honest, I'm not even sure I know what it means. I just think she didn't know what to say to me - her being a mother she knows what SHE feels like towards her daughther and therefore she MUST know that what I'm feeling is not normal, but she doesn't want to say.

On a different note, I want to take a moment to talk about Mental Health Awareness Week - now is the time to speak out about your problems and know that you are NOT alone. Today is Bell's "Let's Talk" campaign - encouraging people to talk about their mental health issues and to know that what they are dealing with is normal, we are not freaks. It was very difficult for me, but I announced on Facebook that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This was very hard for me because I feel very ashamed about this diagnosis. Amazing how certain illnesses carry such a stigma - I'm fine with telling people I have depression, but BPD is another story. But yesterday, I decided that I shouldn't be ashamed and that I was going to speak out. So I did. And I feel good about it.

I could write a novel about everything that's been going on in my life in the last little while, but I will end this here. I know I should keep up more with my blog, and I will maker an effort to do so from here on out! Thank you all for your support and remember to SPEAK OUT against mental health stigma!!

Here We Go Again

I didn't think it would happen. I thought we were past this. Adelyn has been taken from us again.

How on earth can this happen? Well, I will tell you. I opened my big mouth to the WRONG doctor, forgetting that they have an obligation to report. I had a bad day. A very bad day. I reduced my Seroquel (anti-psychotic) at the recommendation of my doctor. And my mind went screwy. I starting obsessing about cutting myself - all I wanted to do was get a knife from the kitchen and sit in the bathroom slicing my arms. But I knew what would happen...hospital. And I couldn't do that again.

Then the thoughts started about Adelyn. I imagined myself hurting her; I didn't WANT to hurt her, but the thoughts kept coming. All the ways it would happen. I wanted the thoughts to stop, and I thought if I would touch her, it would take away all the horrible images. I wanted to touch her with AFFECTION but what happened was that it triggered thoughts of strangling her. I placed my hand on the back of her neck, and BOOM, there it was. I removed my hand immediately; I knew I wouldn't and COULDN'T do anything to her.

I told my doctor that I laid hands on her. This translated into FACS saying I CHOKED her. Talk of my ABUSING her swirled. I panicked - what is happening here?! I didn't DO anything! It was just thoughts! Please someone explain this to them so that they understand!

And so came the call. You need to take her to your mother-in-law's, she's not allowed to be in your home. And here we go again. I had to call Greg and tell him his daughter was removed (again). I couldn't believe it. No one gets it - I didn't not abuse my daughter! I had ONE bad day THREE weeks ago...someone cut me a break!

So now we fight. I have to go this morning and fight my doctor to tell FACS that I didn't choke Adelyn. I need her to tell FACS that I'm no longer having these thoughts and that our home is safe for Adelyn to return to. I have to fight FACS this afternoon to get them to realize that Adelyn isn't any safer at my in-law's than she is in our own home. I need them to understand that I would NEVER do anything to hurt her, regardless of the thoughts that may cross my mind.

Your prayers for our meeting at 3pm are greatly appreciated. Please pray that I have the right words to make them understand. Please pray that they will have an open mind to what I have to say.

Thank-you for your support.

Fully Embracing my BPD

It is a diagnosis that I have been fighting against ever since this entire episode started. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Seriously? How could I have such an extreme disorder? There is no way I could EVER have this...I was never abused as a child. This is why I thought it just couldn't be true - I thought without abuse, BPD couldn't exist. It wasn't until TODAY that I finally said to myself...this is me. This entire diagnosis is ME.

So what is BPD? The DSM IV defines it as the following...

Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
*I know some of my friends know exactly what this means. My relationships can be stormy to say the least.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image of sense of self
*I'm constantly changing career plans, constantly trying to find some sense of self worth

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
*Without going into detail, I was extremely reckless as a teenager - behaviours that indicated right then and there that something was clearly wrong.
(5) recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
*I started "cutting" in highschool, and this has followed me up until my most recent hospitalizations

(6) affective instability = due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
*I have extreme periods of anxiety that are pretty much disabling - I can also be totally and fully excited about something at the exact same time.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
*I never know where I stand.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* This doesn't really describe me.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
*Wanting to give Adelyn up for adoption; thoughts that I wanted to hurt Adelyn

As if this wasn't enough, I found this definition of a "low functioning" borderline. And I thought I was "high functioning"...

Indicators of Low Functioning BPD
•
Cutting CHECK

•
Hospitalization CHECK

•
Improvement of Symptoms with Age NOT SURE YET

•
Inability to Control Behaviors in Public CHECK

•
Acknowledgement by Friends and Neighbors that there is a Significant Problem CHECK

•
They More Often Accept the Diagnosis of BPD MORE CURRENTLY

•
Are More Often in Individual Therapy for their OWN Problems CHECK

•
More Often Abusive to Strangers or Friends in Public"ABUSIVE" AS IN NASTY, THEN CHECK

•
Often are Homemakers or Have Some Difficulty in Maintaining a Career Even With a Good Education CHECK

•
Can’t "Keep it Together" in all Situations CHECK


It's like looking in a mirror. I know I didn't go into too much detail, but I have had a very stormy life characterized by periods of extreme instability, most markedly this recent depression. I don't really know what to think of this...how am I going to be labelled now? Are people going to be afraid of me? Will I lose respect?

Although I am very upfront about my depression, my BPD is something that I'm trying to keep between close friends (and private blog readers). I will not be posting anything other than blog titles on FB. I feel that this is something that needs to be addressed in private, for the sake of my family and friends. If you're reading this, I would ask that you wouldn't discuss it with anyone outside of my blog circle. Your discretion is appreciated.

So where do I go from here? Well, there are no meds for BPD. Only meds for the symptoms of BPD, such as the depression. I will continue on my myriad of meds for the depression, and will have to do a lot of self-discovery to address my BPD. I have enrolled in a support group that should be starting at the end of January. I hope that this group will allow me to see myself in other people, and to know that I'm not alone. I hope that I will discover things in my past that may have contributed to this. I hope that it will give me HOPE for the future, and a feeling that this might actually me manageable and that I don't have to continue living the way I'm living. A tall order, but I think it is achievable.

Dear Adelyn...

Dear Adelyn,

It's me, mommy. I know you've been missing me for quite some time now. I was lost for a long time, but I think I've found my way back. I wanted to write you a letter to explain to you what happened, and how much I've loved you along the way.

We were so excited when we found out you were coming. I would sit in the bath at night, and in the silence I would talk to you. I would tell you how thrilled I was that you were growing in my belly. I would tell you how loved you were and how your daddy would talk about all the family things that we would do once you were born. I would whisper "I love you" at night before bed.

You surprised us and made your entrance into this world 4 weeks early. I was shocked! Your birth was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Seeing you for the first time, and hearing, "it's a girl!" was the most beautiful thing. Daddy and I cried at the sound of your first cry. You had to be brought to the NICU because you were so early...we thanked God for carrying you through, and allowing you to be so healthy despite the early arrival.

Then it started. Something inside me was changing...retreating. I was losing myself to some sort of darkness. Even this sight of your sweet little face couldn't keep the light in my life. I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring if I slept. And it wasn't just because you were crying, it was because I was so anxious about WHEN you would cry...every minute of every day. I thought I was normal. I thought this was par for the course.

Then I started crying. Everyday. I was reaching the point of despair. Then, one day when you were about 6 weeks old, I lost it. I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I was at your Oma's and I couldn't even think about how to drive myself home. I felt paralyzed. I ended up at the hospital, and this is where our family's nightmare began.

It's hard to hear, but mommy wanted to die. I cut my arms because I was so distraught and dreamed about killing myself. You kept me alive. Although I didn't feel the "right" love for you, something was there that kept me from taking those pills, or tying that rope around my neck. Deep down, I loved you and I knew you needed a mommy in this world. Thank-you for loving me unconditionally, even when I couldn't do the same.

This past year and a half has been terrible, but you have survived beautifully. You are an amazing little girl, and I am SO blessed to have you in my life. Mommy's coming back, and my love for you is growing more and more each day. I marvel at your intelligence, at your loving spirit. You are a beautiful human being; a human being that I created. I look forward to all your firsts - and I hope to experience them from a healthy state of mind. I love you, Adelyn. You are my everything. Please don't stop loving me, even when I have my bad days. Please don't stop giving me sloppy kisses and spontaneous hugs. Please realize that mommy isn't perfect, but she loves you regardless of her struggles.

Thank-you again, sweet Adelyn. Thank-you.